Transformation

One - well actually two pictures - is worth a thousand words! The first photo was taken in May of 2008 for an article in the Brookline Tab when I first started training for the Boston Marathon. The second photo from this past Sunday's Brookline Symphony Orchestra 5K. Amazing just amazing!






I am so grateful to Tom and his unending support as I sought out different paths for healing and to everyone who has been so loving and supportive as I leave the past behind to step into the Truth of my Being.

From my heart to yours with Love and Gratitude
Namaste
Mary

Running Love

I have come to realize that I was like the blind men and the elephant during this period of reinvention in my life. I would only see a part of the beautiful tapestry of my life. I denied my social work career because now I'm a poet. When I stopped running, I stopped embracing and appreciating the beautiful amazing accomplishment of having run the 2009 Boston Marathon. I focused on being a polio survivor and went on a mission to end polio now while walling off the part of myself who experienced severe, multiple childhood trauma. But now everything is coming together and because I am appreciating all of my life experiences, I am having experiences which honor all of me.

My friend Justin Berke invites me to every local event on Facebook. The Brookline Symphony Orchestra Fun Run looked like a lot of fun. Twice around the Cleveland Circle Reservoir where I run all the time with live, classical music playing and to benefit our local symphony orchestra -- sounds perfect. Sign us up. And then one day on Facebook I received a post from Greg Gordon who was part of the 2009 Boston Marathon Race for Rehab team of which Tom and I were a part saying that he was the race organizer. He doesn't live in Brookline but is good friends with the director of the Symphony. What are the chances right?

I knew I belonged at this run. When we arrived to register, Greg came up from behind me and gave me a wonderful warm hug. Then I spotted "TK" - and yelled "TK". Greg and TK are bff's. I said that TK is a celebrity and I could hear Greg telling me telepathically please don't encourage him. During our Boston Marathon training, TK would photo shop different celebrities supporting his run and fancied himself a celebrity. TK was wearing bib #1 and I had #13. I asked Greg what was up with that and we all laughed. And then Greg spotted a hawk in the tree just above where we were standing. I google'd the significance of seeing a hawk: "The hawk is a messenger of insight, adaptability and openness. Hawk people aim to initiate and lead, and may be impulsive from time to time. They want to establish individuality while still being accepted by the group." We snapped photos and it was so wonderful to reunite with my former team mates. I could tell the feeling was mutual. Greg has run so many Boston Marathons but he was wearing his 2009 shirt. He said of course he had to wear it today. We could feel the presence of our beloved coach and trainer Domenick D'Amico who moved to Colorado and said we would have to send him the photo of our reunited team.






This is the first athletic endeavour (be it yoga or running) that I did not experience butterflies before the event. Perhaps it was because it was on familiar turf (I have run that Cleveland Circle Reservoir hundreds of times). Perhaps it was because I had no expectations and was going to see how my body felt during the race or maybe, just maybe I am beginning to feel a sense of confidence in my body.

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, I have chosen to power walk instead of run for my cardio workouts and I'm able to get my heart rate up and do a 15 minute mile pace thank you very much. I felt as though I was beating myself up by running especially in my knee joints. But today I felt the desire to get out and run. I'm so glad I did. I had no pain in my knee joints. I felt the strength in my quads and I felt like a strong stallion.Greg said to me before we set out, "Run like the wind" and I did. I was able to tolerate an average heart rate of 157 with a peak of 172 (my peak heart rate for a woman my age is 140). Regardless of the numbers (and the official time has me a little over a 15 minute mile pace-my time has me a little under) I want to focus on how I felt during the run. I felt happiness.

As Tom and I came round the first loop, Greg asked the crowd gathered to watch the race to give us a big hand and when we came into the finish, I broke into a sprint. Greg played it for all it was worth and called it as though we were two elite runners fighting for the finish. We left after our "work was done" to head on over to the Columbia Yacht Club for the annual L Street Running Club BBQ.

My heart was already overflowing with running love. The sun was warming up the day by the minute and by the time we arrived at the Columbia Yacht Club we could sit on the deck enjoying the spectacular view and the wonderful spread of food.



Tom says I was greeted like a celebrity. I blush and feel very humbled by the reception I received from L Street members who were there during my last two inspirational talks at L Street. One woman told me that I inspired her to run her first 5K which she is running in two weeks. We were sitting with another man talking for about an hour and then we made the connection that he reached out to me asking to talk with his wife who was experiencing chronic pain and not getting any relief from the Western medical community. I talked with her about exploring "alternative therapies". She is undergoing acupuncture treatments and getting relief from her pain. Another member came up to me, introduced himself and told me he just had to let me know how inspirational I am. Still another came up to me who I met at the Jim Kane Bowl Run who had told me when he google'd channel 7 looking for a story, my news story came up high in the rankings and he told me he loved the feature.

I drank in the view of the water, ate more than my fair share of amazing bbq chicken, fruit, veggies, potato salad and something I have not had in an age a cupcake with chocolate frosting. I sat and listened as fellow club members regaled stories of marathons past, hopes and dreams for marathons future and felt so comfortable among the community of runners. I no longer felt as though I did not belong there or I was less than because I was once and done with the Boston Marathon or that more often than not I power walk. The motto for the L Street Running Club is "No distance too short, no pace too slow". My heart is open and because I am feeling comfortable within myself, feelings of competition, jealousy that others are still running marathons and all those other emotions that keep me enslaved to the past are released, I can truly enjoy myself. I am so blessed and grateful that today was a day overflowing with love from the beautiful running community and at last I can truly embrace all of me!

With so much joy
From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary

Fierce Medicine by Ana Forrest - A Book Review

When my individual yoga teacher Pat Donaher told me that Fierce Medicine was 'required reading', I knew that it was a very important book for me to read. I had seen something about the book on facebook. Pat knew my trauma history and knew that Ana's journey would help me in my healing journey. We had no idea!

While I had a chaotic and traumatic childhood, it pales in comparison to what Ana Forrest experienced yet there were shared moments as she discovers the truth about the extent of the emotional, physical and sexual abuse she experienced as she listens to what her body is telling her. Through the physical and spiritual exercises Ana puts forth in her book juxtaposed with the telling of her story, I embarked on a deeper transformation and healing. As Ana takes us on her healing journey I found myself finding the courage to deeply listen to my body and to make what Ana calls, healing choices. I brought forth the healing suggestions she makes in Fierce Medicine to my life on and off the mat.

Whether or not you practice yoga, this book will bring forth a sense of empowerment and healing, and love and compassion. As Ana journeys to live her authentic life, you will find yourself yearning to let your Spirit come home and fill a bigger place in your body and in your life. While I still experience flashbacks, nightmares and anxiety, they no longer have a hold on me for as Ana says, I have become the predator rather than the prey. I have new tools to heal my life and to take my place on the center stage of my life - at 57 years old!

There is power in the words in Ana's book and she does call forth the Sacred Ones to help 'mend the hoop of the people.' Before reading Ana's book, I had a connection to my Spirit and to the Divine in the world around me but while reading Fierce Medicine I felt my heart open and receptive to the signs of the wonder in the world around me. Last week I was having a particularly difficult day. I decided all I could do was to read Ana's book and ride the emotional storm I was experiencing. I went to a small beach in Gloucester with my family. The waves are usually small in this inlet and even at high tide there is space to sit on this small stretch of beach. On this day, the waves were churning mimicking the storm I was feeling inside. I got caught in a vise like grip with a bunch of tangled seaweed that was trying to pull me down. In the middle of my emotional storm, I felt the power in my core and said to the seaweed, you are not gonna take me down. I waited for the swirling waters to settle and pull back the seaweed.

When I returned to my beach chair with waves fiercely lapping at the legs of my chair, a wave splashed the book in the shape of a hand with a finger pointing down on page 184 "The Thunder Kachina or Spirits were talking to me! I had the sense that it was affectionate contact-something really big having communication with really small me. The message was clear:I mattered. My growly, bitchy self meant something to the Sacred Ones. This broke my heart open. ... It shook the old delusional beliefs about my worthlessness right out of me and into the ground. I could no longer deny the truth of that which moves in all things also flowing through me."



The struggle within me became crystal clear. Was I going to allow the messages literally beaten into me and the messages I created to somehow make sense of the abuse to prevail or was I going to choose Love and allow Love to heal. With an ocean wave being drawn to Ana Forrest's powerful words, my choice became crystal clear and although the struggle is there, it no longer has its powerful hold over me. I return to the words - I matter even though people tried to destroy my life force as they once tried to destroy Ana's.

I choose life. I choose to feel pain instead of numbness because as the pain subsides and the storms dissipate, there is a beautiful rainbow of love. There is healing and there are beautiful healers like Ana Forrest,who are mending the hoop of the people to move from brokenness to healing, from fear to Love and from paralysis and numbness to the fullness of life. For more information about Ana Forrest and Forrest Yoga, visit Ana's website. While I have not yet taken a Forrest Yoga class, I am going to be taking my first class with the creatrix herself, Ana Forrest on September 25th at Back Bay Yoga Studio. I am a little scared and a whole lot exhilarated as I anticipate this experience knowing that all of the signs are there for me to experience this Fierce Medicine heavily laden with love and compassion.

With love and gratitude
From my heart to yours,
Mary

Fireworks!

I never really 'got' the meaning of celebrating the Fourth of July before this year. Don't get me wrong, I love the USA and am so grateful for our 'freedoms'. The reason I couldn't embrace the holiday is because I did not feel free within myself. With the practice of yoga, body work and journaling, I am finding freedom from within. I would talk about feeling free when I ran but in truth I needed to find the freedom deep within in order to fully embrace and feel freedom as I run. Be sure to take a moment to watch Katy Perry's video of "Firework". I first heard the song when I met Suzy Favor Hamilton and heard her speak. She played the song and had us go to the front of the room and just rock out to it. The words now resonate deeply in my soul. "Ignite the light and let it shine/Just own the night like the Fourth of July."

I am so blessed to have met in person a woman I met on Just Finish, a running community, three years ago. We became facebook friends and have talked on the phone several times. We are kindred spirits and we made a vow that one day we would run a race together. Pamela Robbins is a true hero. I know she will poo poo me for saying that and tells me that I am her hero and source of inspiration. Pam and I are the same age. She has several health challenges that she lives with and neither one of us fits the typical 'look' of a runner. She has blogged about her adventures on the road. Pam, like myself, runs with heart and Pam runs with a passion for a purpose. She will be running the NYC Marathon this November (her 9th marathon) for Team Hole in The Wall Camp. She and her daughter Alex ran this year's More Half for Women for Team Hole in The Wall.

When she said that she was coming to Boston and would like to run a road race on July 4th I was beside myself with excitement. She signed her and her daughter Alex up for the Harvard Pilgrim 10K. We met at their hotel and drove to the Race Expo together. As my husband Tom said, "It's a reunion for the first time." We spent a delightful afternoon together and posed for a pic in our race t shirts. We even bumped into one of our friends from "Camp Hyannis."




And took a picture of the start:



We picked up Alex and Pam bright and early on race day to avoid traffic and have time to chill out before the start of the race. I had a tiny bit of pre race jitters but was so focused on the excitement of running with Pam. Pam met a fellow Team Hole In The Wall runner in the parking lot and Tom and I met one of his team mates from Childrens Hospital Miles for Miracle Team. As we made our way to the start, we spotted the Patriots Cheerleaders. I just had to take a photo of Tom with the cheerleaders and it's about the only picture I have of him with a full on grin. Bill Rodgers was introduced before the start of the race and I wondered where Team Hoyt might be. Tom spotted them right in front of us. We went over and hugged them, introduced Pam and Alex to them and snapped a photo (which is in my camera needing to be uploaded along with the photo of Tom and the Patriots Cheerleaders).

Gun time - Pam said that if we needed to go ahead because she was too slow to feel free to do so. I said are you kidding me? That's not gonna happen and besides I'm slower than you. Pam told me about the half marathon she ran with her friend Laurie who was running her first half marathon who had the same concern that day as Pam had today. She said that they vowed to stay together no matter what. So I was able to help Pam shake off that feeling we 'back of the packers' tend to feel. You know what? I need to start a movement to eliminate the phrase "back of the packers." If there were no back of the packers, there would be no front of the pack because there wouldn't be a pack or maybe we should all just be grateful we are part of the pack. Okay enough digression and pontificating.

It was very hot and we just paced ourselves throughout the entire course enjoying the company, the crowds cheering us on, talking about everything, laughing, and keeping hydrated. We joked with some fellow runners. You meet the most interesting and fun people in the back of the pack - oops there I go breaking my own vow to eliminate that term - oh heck - rather than a need to eliminate it - let's just embrace and love it! I felt so free and comfortable running/walking and being fully present in my own body. I could care less about the time and Pam said it was the first race she had run that she didn't look back to see if she were last. My body dictated my pacing for the day. I was so grateful to Tom for taking photos of Pam and me along the route and staying with us even though he could have easily done another 8:32 min/mile as he had at the Inaugural BAA 10K race last week. As we neared the Stadium we walked, dumped more water on our head and drank some more water so we could gather steam for a sprint to the finish.

As we saw the tunnel ahead we broke into a sprint. The Patriots Cheerleaders were there with their pom poms cheering us on and there we were on the jumbo tron.



We hugged each other feeling the love and respect we have for each other and how we have each learned to honor and respect who we are - no excuses. I felt transformed during today's run and felt the magic in the air as we celebrated our Independence Day - freedom from what others think or say about us; freedom to run our own race and freedom to be just who we are. It was obvious that we ignite the light and let it shine every time we take to the roads. And here is a photo of me at the finish. Baby I'm a Firework - and my colors burst!



From my heart to yours
With love and gratitude,
Mary