Seventeen Miles or 119 Times Around the Track: A Time for Reflection

What an amazing journey! This past week I trained outside in cold and wind, snow and ice but yesterday, it was 5 degrees with the wind chill - no reason to try to brave those elements for a 17 mile run and so off we went to the BU Fit/Rec Center. I had recently done 4.65 miles with speed intervals during the week before and so, our pace was slower than usual as we ran for 17 miles. But you know what? That's not important. We ran exactly as we needed to run and it is crucial that we not burn out before race days. The little polio part of myself is feeling, 'I'm not fast enough' - well you know what? That is a belief that no longer serves me - I am showin' up and I am participating in this amazing journey and can not be a slave to a chronometer. I am running my own race, surrounded by incredible love and support from God, my daughter, my husband and my son. Each training run is an opportunity to learn more about myself, mind body and spirit; every race where I finish 'last' reminds me to celebrate my amazing courage, faith, determination and to let go of arbitrary measures of success.

I hear God's Voice speak to me - God is telling me to do more stretching exercises and to return to some of the exercises Janine had showed me to work on the muscles which are uber sore.God is telling me to love myself and honor myself as I recover from a long training run. God is telling me that She called me to run the Boston Marathon and together we can do this. During yesterday's run, I learned so much about myself - well there certainly is enough time for reflection with no distractions of the computer, phones, text messages, etc. I got in touch with the feelings of what it is like to feel powerless in my body and this is juxtaposed with the strength and power I felt during my last energy healing session.

Strength and power had been taken from me when I collapsed on the gym floor on 6/3/1959 when paralytic polio overtook my body. Strength and power had been taken from me when I was diagnosed with post polio syndrome in December of 2006. Strength and power had been taken from me during many painful incidents throughout my childhood but in reality, the strength and power of God was always with me deep in my soul.

I was terrified to feel my own power; I thought that if I were physically powerful that I would want revenge. I thought that the anger would consume me and destroy me. I discovered that the most powerful feelings one can experience is the power of forgiveness and the power of God's great Love. So many great teachers talk about this - Nelson Mandela, Victor Frankl, Jesus just to name a few. To feel power is to feel the power of love and forgiveness from God. The power of Love washed through me during our training run yesterday much like dialysis to remove the toxins of anger, shame, fear, doubt and feeling less than because....

God's Love is the most powerful source of purification and it is a blessing to be able to feel this Love. Ironically enough, I feel this Love while my body is pounding the track and perhaps it is the two together - the rhythm of running and the connection to God that helps me to feel whole again. Interestingly enough, I typed whole again and my first thought was, I never felt whole - but of course, I was/am always whole. I just forgot because I was buffeted by life's winds and by people who did not know how to love. It is time to forgive them for truly, they knew not what they did and for me to create new feelings, new memories on every level and to open wide to all that life has to offer.

I am so blessed and I am so grateful. I know that God is with me every moment of every day and it is so important to take time out away from Twitter, and email and gmail and texting and building and creating to feel God's love deep in my soul. To know and to remember that no matter what happens 'out there' that inside I am pure and whole and loved and perfect. I said 'Yes' to God in February of 2008 and every moment of every day, God says 'Yes" right back!

Accentuate the Positive

Remember that old song, Accentuate the Positive, eliminate the negative and don't mess with mister in between - it's a mantra that I say to myself to ignite the flame of Spirit within to drive me forward on this journey. When I took a leap of faith now almost two years ago and left the VA to follow my bliss and to heal my life, I had no idea that I would be sitting here, writing a blog about my company, my book and my journey on the Road to the Boston Marathon. I have a business website, www.newworldgreetings.com; a book of inspirational poetry, "New World Greetings:Inspirational Poetry and Musings for a New World" available through my website and wherever books are sold (and I donate 20% to Spaulding Rehab's Polio Fund) and another one 'in the oven'; and a website dedicated to fund raising www.firstgiving.com/teammcmanus to raise a lot of money for Spaulding Rehab by running the Boston Marathon.

I am blessed with a loving husband who loves his work and has made a full recovery from bladder cancer; I have two beautiful children who are healthy and finding their paths in life; and I have defied the diagnosis of post polio syndrome and am now running - yes running and tomorrow we shall run 17 miles on our long training run. Yesterday, in the cold and wind, my daughter and I went to Jamaica Pond to do our hill training. It was slushy and muddy but we would not be deterred to run as fast as we could up a hill 8 times and then run around the Pond at a good pace. We talked about how this is so new and different and we are embracing every step of this journey. Training - training to claim health and fitness and training to do an endurance run. These are words so antithetical to anything I had known in my life as a polio survivor and then after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome, I initially prepared myself to not be able to walk up stairs and to probably need a wheelchair at some point in the future.

So how did this happen? That, my friends I can tell you in one word - FAITH! Faith and my connection to God fuels every step of this journey. Faith and my belief that I can finish the Boston Marathon. Faith and my belief that I am worthy of a life overflowing with blessings. Faith and my belief that I have the ability, with the help of God to face any challenge in life and to know that I will find the lessons and the blessings in the challenge. Faith that God is with me at all times. Faith that God's love and light and Truth are more powerful than any human experience I have known and will ever known. Faith to see beyond appearances and to seek goodness and express gratitude.

Today's gratitudes:
I am grateful for this warm home filled with love and laughter.
I am grateful for my health.
I am grateful for sore muscles because this tells me that I am working hard to get fit.
I am grateful for the beautiful people that have graced my life.
I am grateful for my upcoming trip to Puerto Rico.
I am grateful for the love in my heart and the feeling of Spirit deep in my soul.

May you all have a blessed day overflowing with peace, joy, love and kindness.

Courage

The fear of ice and snow and slush embedded in my soul
A training run in winter – the path to Being whole.
A winter scene – Jamaica Pond – a feast for eyes' delight
To witness nature's splendor and behold this glorious sight.

A leaf – a tiny dancer – skating free without a sound
God's breath directs her movements, as She guides her twirling 'round.

Families of ducks decide to walk or take a dip
A comedy of errors into icy water slip.

The branches now bejeweled with ice bend with loving Grace
Sparkling diamonds' anchor water's surface hold in place.

God's hand a glove of glistening snow hugs rocks along the wall
Their heads peek out reminding me I'm answering God's call.

A scene I'd never witness if I let my fear take hold
Courage triumphed, steppin' out with footsteps sure and bold.

Knowing that the pain subsides and Spirit can prevail
The Marathon is beckoning - through those miles I shall sail.

Epiphanies

I will admit to you that yesterday was a really rough day for me. I had been awakened early two mornings by our beloved cat and had also been awakened in the middle of the night by same so I was a little sleep deprived which can account for low energy. I observed part of me feeling victimized by different circumstances and other people's behavior while a part of me forged ahead with redesigning my website (check it out - www.newworldgreetings.com - it's awesome) and closing out the books from my business last year and prepping for today's 16 mile run. It's strange living in two universes and I will tell you - I love living in the Spirit and emerging from feeling the weight of ego and human experience. I love the feeling of knowing down to my toes that I am on the right path and that God is providing me with every single thing I need to succeed - in the realms of my business, my book, my health and fund raising for Spaulding Rehab by running the Boston Marathon with my husband and daughter. Moving forward in joy and confidence and strength also means shedding my old identity - social worker who tried to fix everyone, victim who felt hurt and ostracized, and life basically being a struggle. God spoke to me this morning and asked me how much longer I was going to serve penance by feeling that I still have to hold onto the role of social work and be available to take care of others--please know that this is very different from giving out of love and joy because I feel overflowing with love in the Spirit. One is a burden and one is freedom.

Here are the epiphanies which I share with you - perhaps it will spark something within you to find your own ephiphanies.

I get to choose with whom and how I want to spend my time. I can be loving and respectful to all but I can and must set limits if I am to fulfill my highest purpose and pursue my path with passion. And I can do this guilt-free. I realized that I was carrying the burden of my dad's suicide and holding back from fully moving forward in joy and celebration of my Being. Feelings of unworthiness were fueled by so many circumstances - there is no blame here for I get to choose how I am going to respond to life's circumstances and so I choose freedom and I choose to feel my incredible preciousness because I (like you) am a complete child of God.

My gift is poetry and this gift helps me to heal, helps others to find healing and joy in God's words expressed through me and I can create poetry which can help others express the love that is in their heart. My website had been focused on the fact that see, I am a good person; I donate 20% of the proceeds of the sale of my book to Spaulding Rehab and I am going to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding oh and I also write poetry. Well, I decided to shift the focus and feel the power within of my gift. This shift in energy is going to help draw customers to me. I have many new visitors on my website and it is now time to convert those visitors to sales and hence - a redesigned website.

I have been focusing on the fact that I am victorious over polio and post polio syndrome and look at what I can now do - well during our 16 mile run today, I had the epiphany that - I have worked my butt off to overcome polio and post polio syndrome and many crises in my life - but I also want to remember and honor these crises - especially post polio syndrome. It was freezing outside today with the wind chill; when it was calm and sunny it was deliciously warm in comparison to the stiff wind gusts of up to 35 mph. One of the major hallmarks of post polio syndrome is intolerance to cold/cold sensitivity and as a result of polio, my body has a difficult time regulating its thermostat. And so, I never got to be outside and enjoy the splendors of a winter's day. I dug deep and joined with God to feel a courage I have not known before - to run outside when there were remnants of snow and slush (the path had been heavily sanded so I knew we would have a safe run) and to be outside on a cold January day.

Today, on our run, as I blocked out the incredible pain caused in my limbs by the cold, I noticed these amazing ice formations on the bottom of bent tree branches (yes, there is a poem percolating here) as they met the top of the water on Jamaica Pond. I saw how the snow hugged the beautiful rock wall on my left. I saw some ducks swimming where there was no ice and I saw ducks skating across the pond. There was a leaf in the middle of the pond that skated along the ice pushed by the wind until it landed in the water. The snow was so white and clean and glistened with God's love and I felt God's overwhelming love for me as I decided, during the last two miles, to power walk. I was actually able to keep the pace with my husband, Tom (our daughter took off and did an amazing run of a 15 minute mile) during the last two miles of our run and I felt so blessed to be able to honor my body's limitations. I would not quit because that's not in me (although how I yearned for a hot bath - I did have a great visualization technique - I felt God pouring hot cocoa into my legs during the run) but I had to find a way to keep going. I felt incredible relief once I used power walking which enabled me to take long, stretching strides, use my arms to pump me along and took the stress off of my knees as we finished up our run. Several weeks ago, when the weather was exactly the same, we had decided to go to the indoors track at BU. But look at how far we have come - we decided to brave the cold and the wind and to know that God would be at our backs. I also used a technique taught to me by Janice Wesley, my beloved energy healer and I asked the wind to change direction. There were times when it worked and we suddenly felt the wind at our backs. I also gave thanks to God for the cold, icy wind because when we run the Marathon, it is going to seem so much easier after the grueling training run of today. I also still have my head tremor and I rejoice and celebrate that I am still perfection and I need not try to hide or downplay this. After all, Katharine Hepburn had an amazing tremor and look at what a classy broad she was! {I did put in my order for warmer temperatures now - and I just checked the forecast-Monday temps are going into the mid-40's and on Tuesday it is going to be in the mid-30's when we have a training session with our beloved trainer Janine Hightower.}

I have an exciting week ahead - on Tuesday, I have been invited to be a guest on Planetary Spirit radio (http://www.planetary-spirit.com/) and on January 12th, I will be a guest with my trainer, Janine on It's All About You on blog talk radio (www.blogtalkradio.com/itsallaboutyou). Next Sunday I get to meet some incredible folks I have met on Twitter right around the corner from where I live at Lisa Johnson's Modern Pilates Studio. And it's time to start planning for our 3/14 Benefit Concert - an evening of a capella music featuring Ball In The House. Wow - isn't God amazing! I am overflowing with love and gratitude as this flower of God opens and blooms and I turn my face towards God's radiant sunshine.

God bless you all and here's to a new year graced with epiphanies!