Look For The Helpers - Keep Coming Back To Your Breath

Today's blog post was going to be filled with photos from the reception at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel for Spaulding Rehab's Race for Rehab marathon team. We were having a reunion of sorts for the 2009 Boston Marathon team, waiting for three of the runners from the '09 team to cross the finish line, bidding on Silent Auction items, enjoying wonderful food and great company. One of the runners from our team, Greg Gordon was there with his wife and two children. We reunited with the wife of TK who is one of Greg's best friends and was part of the Race for Rehab team.

I first met Suzanne Showstack, now Suzanne Adams in November of 2007. We met for lunch at Legal Seafood - I sporting a leg brace and my bright blue cane. I wanted to talk with her about donating a portion of the proceeds from my first book of inspirational poetry, "New World Greetings:Inspirational Poetry and Musings For A New World." Suzanne was part of the '09 Race for Rehab Team and she was so excited Tom and I were there to celebrate this year's team.

Suzanne was at command central tracking runners and so proud of the fact she went 'high tech' no longer needing the white board and marker to track the runners progress as they approached the finish line. There was such excitement that two women on the team "BQ'ed" qualified for Boston.

Tom and I were watching the 'board' and tracking my dear friend and fellow yoga teacher training graduate Jerel Calzo considering when we should go outside to cheer him coming down Boylston Street when we heard a loud boom. We froze for a moment and then there was a second explosion and smoke. Greg went to the window. "It's a tragedy. It's a tragedy," he said. "People are down." Tom handed me my jacket and said let's go.

When we got home, I found this on Facebook


I thought about all the helpers we encountered yesterday both seen and unseen. Tom and I were incredibly blessed. Although there were two rooms packed with people waiting for the Race for Rehab team to come, we were blessed to be with Greg who came directly over to us letting us know what happened. The staff at the Mandarin was absolutely amazing leading us out an evacuation route that took us to safety in the back of the hotel away from where the explosions occurred. There were some people who were panicking and hysterical. A helper appeared out of nowhere and said "Don't panic. We're okay."

As we waited inside a hotel alcove shortly after the explosions happened, my brain was thinking, "We don't want to just rush out and into a situation of danger." I took a moment to pause and breathe. I felt safe and protected as I completely surrendered to the moment.

I trusted our wonderful hotel helpers and when we arrived outside, Tom and I got our bearings knowing we had to walk away. Our car was parked over 3 miles down the road. Miraculously, I was able to walk at a very fast pace Emergency vehicles passed us. I felt as though I was an extra in a movie scene yet I knew this was all too real. Having to walk at a fast pace was an incredible blessing. It allowed us to discharge the tension that happens in a traumatic situation.

We watched some of the news. When the news began to show graphic images, we turned it off. We learned that the Mandarin Oriental had been evacuated and went into lockdown. Copley Square was being treated as a crime scene. I breathed so much love out into the world. Tom and I cried together.

At about 8 pm I was physically and emotionally exhausted. After checking in with everyone I knew who was involved with the marathon, I said prayers of gratitude that they were all safe. I had a hot cup of peppermint tea and then got into bed. I was deeply grateful for the outpouring of emails and facebook messages from my friends who always think of me on Marathon Monday. I am grateful for a community of such love and light.

My thoughts began to race with what if's and reliving the sounds and smells I experienced in the moments following the explosions. I heard William Jackson's voice - my meditation teacher who reminds us, "Keep coming back to your breath. Notice where your thoughts are and keep focusing on your breath. The in breath and the out breath. Feel the breath around your nostrils." My mind quieted as I realized those thoughts do not serve me. Only loves serves me. I allowed tears to quietly stream down my face gathering all the love that is in my heart to help us all heal. We are all helpers. We are all healers. We are all wounded. Our hearts are broken. Let love flow out to bring healing to all.

Yesterday morning before we left to watch the marathon, I had this compelling feeling to change the title of my blog from Welcome to a New World to Healing, Hope and Possibility. I felt I wanted to focus on the message that regardless of experiencing horrific life experiences, there is always healing, hope and possibility. Little did I know that we would need that message now more than ever! So look for the helpers - look for the stories of heroes and triumph and goodness and love and self sacrifice. Be the helper when you can but above all, keep coming back to your breath!



Harmony from Seasons of the Soul now available on Amazon

Motif in a minor key
sings the song of a wounded soul
strain on the heart strings
isolation and fear
believing she is all alone.

Love notes
passed around
in the kula

hands and hearts joined together
a chorus of jubilation
voices from the Divine
rise
blending in perfect harmony
Om.

From my heart to yours
With total love and deepest gratitude,
Mary

MAY ALL BEINGS BE HAPPY AND FREE!

Marathon Music

"A marathon is like life with its ups and downs, but once you've done it, you feel you can do anything."
-Anonymous

While I am at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel today cheering on runners from Spaulding Rehab's Race for Rehab Team, I thought I would share with you the music that inspired me during these past six and a half years on my healing odyssey and fueled my journey to the finish line of the Boston Marathon on April 20, 2009.

Here they are in no particular order --

Dancing Through Life When I was undergoing diagnostic testing and assessment at Spaulding Rehab's Post Polio Clinic in Framingham, I listened intently and incessantly to this song imagining that even if I did need to be in a wheelchair, I could still find a way of dancing through life.


Defying Gravity After I completed outpatient rehab, hired a personal trainer and made the declaration I would run the 2009 Boston Marathon, this became my theme song -- "I'm through accepting limits, 'cuz someone says they're so."


This Is The Moment - I listened to this during our training runs as I visualized myself on Marathon Monday. I listened to it on the long bus ride out to Hopkinton from Spaulding Rehab Hospital in downtown Boston


Purpose - Many times during these past six and a half years, I wondered about my Purpose. It has been evolving and I am so grateful for each experience I have had since leaving my full time career at the VA. I feel a strong sense of purpose unfolding now as I prepare to co facilitate a mindful caregivers support group at the Alzheimers Association and create a "Healing the Art" event for people who have survived the death of a loved one as a result of suicide. All proceeds will benefit Ben Speaks.


Rocky - duh!I listened to this whenever we trained on Heartbreak Hill. During our final long run, while listening to the theme from Rocky. I found a Helen Keller quarter. You can read about it in my post from 2009, "Why April Is My Favorite Month."


Astonishing - I kept reminding myself how Astonishing I was in my journey on the road to the Boston Marathon


Fantasies Come True - Although this is a love song from Avenue Q, the energy of the song kept reminding me that yes indeed, what we think and dream about can in fact come true with a lot of hard work and effort


Don't Stop Believing and I didn't!


Ride - It was a great ride indeed~another wonderful Heartbreak Hill training song


And last but not least
Beautiful Day -- Got us through those l-o-n-g training runs


that ultimately led us to the finish line of the 113th Boston Marathon.




To everyone running the 117th Boston Marathon today may you have a beautiful day and remember you are all astonishing!

From my heart to yours
With total love and deepest gratitude,
Mary

MAY ALL BEINGS BE HAPPY AND FREE!

Boston Marathon Weekend

A rite of Spring no matter the weather - it's the weekend of the Boston Marathon! Four years ago there was such excitement in our lives. Saturday - Race Expo. Sunday - rest a lot - and pre race pasta dinner with our Race for Rehab teammates. I remember Ernst Van Dyk's speech to us, "A life doesn't end with a disability. It's just a new beginning."



Here he is after winning the 113th Boston Marathon in 2009:



I was incredibly blessed to attend a luncheon yesterday and hear Ernst speak at the Institute for Human Centered Design. I had the opportunity to reconnect with a couple of my Spaulding friends and shared my story with different people who attended the luncheon. It was magic!



I thought the finish line of the Boston Marathon was the end of my healing journey. It was only another beginning.

How many miles I traveled from the office of Dr. Darren Rosenberg at the Spaulding Rehab Hospital Outpatient Clinic in Framingham's Post Polio Clinic in October of 2006, to declaring with my personal trainer in February of 2008 that I was going to run the Boston Marathon and raise money for Spaulding. I felt it to the depths of my soul. Bear in mind please that I had never run in my life. I was still in my black polio shoes that could support my short leg brace.



But I knew - somehow I just knew this was right for me. I had written the poem "Running the Race" in February of 2007. As Carl Jung says, "the unconscious prepares the way for the future."

Sometimes no words are needed -- We were blessed to have a Boston University COM doctoral student, Johannes Hirn chronicle our last training run (seen in the first photo at Marathon Sports Brookline) and capture us during the final miles of our run.



We'll be heading out to the Race Expo later today. Sunday evening I will practice yoga and meditation. Monday morning we head to the Mandarin Oriental Hotel to share the day with Spaulding Rehab cheering on the runners and having a spectacular view of Boylston Street. I remember my beautiful teammates and members of the Development Office telling me that they were banging on the window



cheering us onto the finish line 7 hours and 49 minutes after we began in Hopkinton.

It will be amazing to watch from the other side hoping that Ernst makes this his 10th Boston win and cheering on a former teammate of ours. We will be celebrating with other members of the '09 Race for Rehab team who will be in the suite at the Mandarin. It will be a wonderful reunion and a reminder to me of where my journey began and how Spaulding Rehab helped me to Find My Strength! Not only did I have a medal on my chest, but we raised $10,535 for Spaulding Rehab Hospital.

There is something really special for me this year about Boston Marathon Weekend. Perhaps it's because I am writing my memoir and taking a look back at this amazing journey. Perhaps it's because I feel so well, awake and alive that I can enjoy every moment. No matter the reason, I am blessed and grateful for every step of this amazing healing odyssey and delighted to have you along for the ride.


Running the Race - Feb, 2007 from Songs of Freedom:Poems From a Healing Odyssey Volume III:Celebration of Life to be released later this year. Volumes I and II are now available on Amazon.

Early summer 1959 my kindergarten year
Everyone around me filled with nervous fear
Despite the Salk vaccine hope polio would disappear
The polio virus crept right up and knocked me in the rear.

Dancing all around the gym feeling free just like a bird
I dropped to the ground just like a stone and no one said a word.
The pain it was so searing-the diagnosis even worse
"It's polio" the doctor said...he was abrupt and terse.

Called one of the 'lucky ones' I had a 'mild case'
But with the other athletes I could never keep their pace.
Miss Holly physical therapist, curly hair and a warm, broad smile
It tempered the pain of being apart - to walk I'd take awhile.

I always wore those 'special' shoes the kids they poked and teased
With no support and much abuse with childhood I wasn't pleased.
But put nose to the grindstone and learned all that I could
I couldn't kick a ball but my grades were always good.

Years went by and no more thought to polio did I give
I accepted the limp and everything else and decided my life I would live.
But symptoms of weakness and muscle pain did grow
I kept a stoic face hoping no one else would know.

Life no longer was my own I struggled through each day
Suffered in silence, isolated from friends-trying to keep depression at bay.
And with the grace of glorious God my world it opened wide
I discovered there was a Post Polio team and they were on my side.

Using wheelchair to travel, set limits on what I could do,
Resulted in joy to realize I could live life anew.
Celebrated my body- creaks, groans and need for a brace
While in my mind I focused on winning a 10K race.

Sought out paths for healing and my spirit flew free
For the first time in life, I could truly be me.
The chains are gone and possibilities abound
I'm a tree with my roots planted firmly in ground.

I'm now off the sidelines, no need to sit and whine
So much gratitude fills my heart and love and beauty shine.
After all these years I can join the loving human race
I exceed all expectations and now I set the pace.

From my heart to yours
With total love and deepest gratitude,
Mary

MAY ALL BEINGS BE HAPPY AND FREE!

The Mouse in the Baseboard - I Gotta Feeling - When No Words Are Needed

4 am - clanging sounds coming from downstairs. My gut didn't clutch. I knew I was safe but I was curious about what was going on in the house. I figured Jamie our beloved four foot whom we adopted from the Animal Rescue League was running around although I'd never heard that pattern of sounds before.

Finally at 5, my husband and I went into the living room watching Jamie. She had retrieved a small tin foil ball from under the radiator. I said to her, "Really Jamie? Is that what all of this was about?" But she was in the zone not paying any attention to us. She stared at the baseboard of the radiator and she kept putting her paw underneath and through it. She was a cat on a mission for sure but we had no idea what she was after. I decided to go back to bed and Tom was going to get ready for work.

As I was about to head upstairs, and Tom into the kitchen to fix his coffee, she ran by Tom with a mouse in her mouth! She gave up the mouse to his hands and he tossed the mouse outside. She then went over and lay down in front of the radiator. In our 16 years of living in our home, we have never seen a mouse.




In May of 2001, my daughter's choir had a trip to New York City. We stayed in lower Manhattan and my kids wanted to visit the World Trade Center. I've been in the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty and never had any problem with being in closed buildings and going to the top to view the panoramic vista of New York. But as we stood in the lobby of the World Trade Center, my gut began to churn. I told my kids we couldn't go to the top or do anything else in this building. We had to get out and now.... When the towers were hit on 9/11, my daughter remembered that feeling I had.

Jamie could not see the mouse in the radiator baseboard because the slats are too small to get a visual cue of anything in there, but her animal instincts were on high alert. I loved the experience of being held in the wordlessness of the moment watching the unfolding of what was happening in the unseen world as Jamie was guided by her animal instincts.

How often do we sense something beyond what we can actually see. Do we have the courage to act on our instincts and allow our senses which tap into the mystery and wonder of it all to guide us? As I am getting older, and engaged in mindful practices, I am more open to embracing the mystic within myself, with others and be open to the amazing synchronicities that happen in my life.



In Priscilla Warner's book, "Learning to Breathe:My Yearlong Quest to Bring Calm To My Life," she writes

"But Mingyur {referring to Mingyur Rinpoche the monk who suffered from panic attacks whom she meets on a retreat early on in her journey} had warned us not to worry if our emotions became strong as a result of our meditation practice, or if we began to see and hear things that seemed unusual. I would remember his words when my life began to shift in eerie, powerful ways."

And just as I may not be able to see that mouse in the baseboard, I tune into what my heart and body need to continue to heal and recover--to move forward as a beautiful, graceful animal with great joy, freedom and celebration. I gotta feeling....



When No Words Are Needed from Seasons of the Soul now available on Amazon

As chanting monks serenade the work in the sacred space
no words are needed
seeing with inner sight
his healing hands explore the once ravaged landscape
as a beach metal detector scans to find hidden treasures
the wounds surface
no words are needed
to share the gory violent details
we work together as Divine Love flows

no words are needed
in silent meditation all that was hidden is made manifest
revealed to heal
touching sensations long buried beneath shame
lies that this wee one was undeserving of care
as my life was carelessly tossed and turned upside down
no words are needed
his hands speak volumes of Truth
as he moves with a knowing
palpating pain invisible to the naked eye
holding with the tenderness of a mother’s love
with each stroke the old wounds fade away

no words are needed
a different imprint on my heart
my body embodies and embraces new memories
no words are needed
eyes briefly meet
compassion overflows
healer and healed
healed and healer

no words are needed.


From my heart to yours
With total love and deepest gratitude,
Mary

MAY ALL BEINGS BE HAPPY AND FREE!