On Miracles and Hope

When I set out 7 and a half years ago to heal my life after receiving the diagnosis of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease, I had no idea what that meant. Somewhere deep inside of me I had a feeling of hope; hope that if I did not have much time left, I could have a good quality of life with the time I had left to live. I felt hope that there would come a day when I would not be suffering as much as I was when I barely walked into Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital's International Rehab Center for Polio in October of 2006.

I believed in miracles. I read Bernie Siegel's book, "Love, Medicine and Miracles" in the 1980's. I knew what was possible but I knew that my only hope for healing was to begin to experience love and compassion for myself.

Throughout my healing odyssey, I have had to hold onto hope regardless of what physical condition I was in at the time. It was wonderful to feel great when I was crushing PR after PR but then came the crash after my nephew's suicide in March 2011. Oh how I wish he wouldn't have given up before the miracle happened in his life but I know and trust he is at peace.

My life - your life is a miracle. Just take a moment to realize that from two tiny microscopic cells, you are here - now - reading this. Isn't that a miracle? The breeze. The birds singing. The flowers that are so magnificent in Spring and summer in New England. Even the miracle of the leaves changing and falling off the leaves knowing when it's time to let go.

It's a miracle that I walked after contracting paralytic polio and that I walked away from the violence in my childhood. What a miracle that we were spared so much and able to safely evacuate on Marathon Monday 4/15/13. I walked away from treatment modalities and practices that did not serve me but I did not quit before the miracle happened. I'm so glad I didn't give up trusting in the goodness of others and the good intentions of others and found my way to Sollievo Massage and Bodywork which is now an integral part of my healing journey.

Despite how I am feeling in the morning, I can experience the miracle of meditation to experience peace and acceptance with what is while riding the waves of whatever I am feeling at the time. If I am having a challenging day of fatigue and pain, I feel hopeful that with rest, I will recover to run another day. If I need treatment, I am blessed with the best that Ancient and Modern traditions have to offer me.

It's a miracle that I am running again and training for the Tufts 2014 10K.

I have several friends who are living with MS and cancer. With love, support and hope and a fierce passion for living the best life they can despite what shape their physical form is in, they are thriving and have experienced a miracle of healing. Sometimes the miracle of healing is being able to make it through those times of profound uncertainty and not quitting before the miracle, whatever shape it takes, happens.

Do you live as though everything is a miracle? I do. I don't know how to live any other way.


My memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" is now available on Amazon.

"Wait, I have one more goal," Mary McManus told her personal trainer in February of 2008 shortly after coming out of her toe up leg brace. "I want to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab Hospital." Mary traded in her polio shoes for running shoes and embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Mary McManus was at the height of her career as a VA social worker when she was told by her team at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital’s International Rehab Center for Polio in December of 2006 that she needed to quit her job if she had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. In “Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility” Mary takes you on her seven year healing odyssey as a survivor of paralytic polio and trauma from her diagnosis, to taking a leap of faith to leave her award winning career at the VA to heal her life and follow her passion as a poet and writer. You’ll experience her trials, tribulations and triumphs as she trains for and crosses the finish line of the 2009 Boston Marathon and discovers the opportunity for healing in the wake of new trauma: the suicide of her nephew in 2011, and the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. This is Mary's journey of coming home to her human form free from the influences of the ghastly ghostly invaders who had invaded her sacred earthly home. Her memoir includes journals and blog posts from her seven year healing odyssey. This is her journey of transformation and her message of healing, hope and possibility.

I donate 50% of royalty payments through on line sales to The One Fund to help Boston Marathon survivors and their families. Copies are also available at Brookline Marathon Sports. $5 of each book sold at Marathon Sports is donated to The One Fund.

A "Thriller" of An Aquatics Class

As everyone made their way into the pool for Wednesday's Find Your Aquatic Strength class at Spaulding Rehab, the music of Michael Jackson filled the air.

When the song Beat It came on



I realized that seven years ago I did not set out to "beat" post polio syndrome. I set out to heal my life. I knew the story of Evy McDonald from Bernie Siegel's Love, Medicine and Miracles book that he wrote in the late 70's. She was given 6 months to live after being diagnosed with ALS. Today she is thriving and is a minister in upstate New York. She is also a survivor of polio. She decided that she did not want to die hating her body. She sat in front of a mirror naked in her wheelchair feeling like her body was a "bowl of jello" and found a way to love herself. Love does indeed heal. Perhaps more than any of the therapies that I experienced when I was first diagnosed with post polio syndrome was the love and compassion I received from the therapists. It was the first time that anyone "bore witness" to my experience of paralytic polio. I was no longer an outcast and a leper. I learned how to love myself unconditionally. I took the first steps on my long journey home.

In Wednesday's class as Karis led us through our paces, one of the women with whom I have become friends and I couldn't help but sing to The Man In The Mirror



Karis said that she was totally on board with karaoke aquatics!

As we returned to the shallow end to work upper body strength, I needed the wall to support me for the first set of biceps curls but the music got me really pumped and by the second circuit, I was able to harness my core strength and work those bicep curls without support.


In Wednesday's class, I allowed my body to luxuriate in the sensations of the warm water that swirled around me as I made waves with my movements. I thought about the contrast between the warmth and softness of the water that embraced me with the woolen blankets that were once used during the painful physical therapy sessions to help me recover from paralytic polio.

As we cooled down and stretched to the sounds of You Are Not Alone



we realized that Karis, our wonderful therapist, who had been a dancer, choreographed a playlist to accompany our workout as we found our aquatic strength. I loved watching her dance moves and the freedom with which she moves in her body. She inspires me to continue to find strength and freedom in my body.

Karis is going to run the 2014 Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab. She has never run before. She ran her first 5K this week and stretched with us. She told me that I inspire her on her road to the Boston Marathon.

I find this entire journey absolutely thrilling!

Coming Home from A Celebration of Life available on Amazon

A stranger to myself
hollowed heart
broken and defeated
cement thick walls
no way out
no way in
my light flickered and dimmed
never went out
as he breathed me
he fanned flames of hope
I’d stumble and fall
he held out a hand to me
knowing that love lights the way
I’m coming home.

Two Four Letter Words

I was sitting out on my lawn on this glorious August day and my eyes began to fill with tears. My thankful heart was overflowing with gratitude. Six years ago I was sitting on my front lawn wearing a short leg brace barely able to get up out of a lawn chair. I couldn't get off of a low toilet seat independently. I used a shower chair because I was too unsteady on my feet and fatigued to be able to take a shower on my own. I sat with pen in hand writing poetry, breathing as best I could at the time. I was beginning to feel better than when I had first presented to the Spaulding Rehab's International Center for Post Polio Syndrome. But the words of the team echoed in my ears. "If you follow all of our recommendations, the best you can hope for is to prevent a progression of the symptoms."

They meant well - really they did believing that there wasn't much to hope for as a polio survivor with post polio syndrome. But hope is a beautiful four letter word and while my body was ravaged with the residuals of trauma and paralytic polio, my heart as expressed through the divining rod of my pen expressed hope. Those early poems were all about visualizing health, wholeness, peace and joy. Gratitude was a constant theme throughout my poetry (and still is). I did not know what the future held for me. And the outcome did not matter. I was accepting everything as it was in the moment managing the physical discomfort with frequent naps, a lot of prayer and a heaping helping of hope for healing of my heart and Spirit which felt so beaten down by life's events.


I had read Bernie Siegel's book Love, Medicine and Miracles in the 80's. He told a story of Evy McDonald diagnosed with ALS. She was also a polio survivor. She decided that she wasn't going to die hating her body and so she sat naked in front of the mirror in her wheelchair, "feeling as though her body were a bowl of jello" and she began a daily practice of giving herself unconditional love. Today Evy is a minister in a church in upstate New York. The healing of her heart and Spirit brought about a physical change in her body.

Yet those two four letter words, hope and love, became a powerful force of healing in the work and in my life.



Freedom from the soon to be released A Celebration of Life. My books of inspirational poetry are available on Amazon.

Freedom from fear
from want
from greed
from need

beautiful butterfly
fragile white wings
allows the gentle summer breeze
to carry her without a care

freedom from worry
am I good enough
did I do enough
freedom from guilt

bird song need never ask
how was that
freedom from applause and approval
trust in the beauty of your own heart song

freedom
to
be.

Meet Beth Jordan

Beth Jordan has been in my heart for the last few years. She introduced me to the work of Bernie Siegel, MD who has been a major source of support, inspiration and healing during these past six years.
During my hospitalization she brought me a cassette tape - yes a cassette tape of Bernie Siegel

for a tape player.

She brought me trail mix. She told me my life needed healing. She worked with my team to do home IV infusions so I could get out of the hospital on longer passes. I was hospitalized for over 6 weeks. We stayed in touch with each other for many years after my hospitalization. She lived on a pond where water lilies floated serenely on the surface of the pond where we went canoeing together.

I lost touch with her but was never out of touch with her in my heart. I wasn't sure if she was still an earth angel or had made her transition to the next phase of her journey. I googled her a few times during this past year but came up with nothing.

And then - last week, I gave it one more try. I was so excited when her name, address and phone number popped up in my search. I called her and left a voice mail message. She returned my phone call and it was as if no time had passed.

She can't be found on google because she has no computer. She has no mobile phone. She is 82 years old and still lives in the same home where we visited her over 20 years ago. She has no TV. Her son bought her a cordless phone but she prefers the rotary phone her dad used.

Two of her children are both "healers" as she calls them - physicians in Hawaii and Seattle. One of her grandson's is a poet and for Christmas they sent each other a book of Mary Oliver's poetry. One of her sons lives nearby. She belongs to two meditation groups and lives a life of contentment, contemplation and peace as a self proclaimed minimalist vegetarian. She was overjoyed to hear of my healing journey and was humbled by my gratitude letting me know that it was not her that helped to heal me, but God working through her.

I told her that I would send her a copy of my most recent poetry book and asked if she would like Tom and I to visit her. She said she would be delighted or she could meet us somewhere....

As I walk into the chapel at Boston Childrens Hospital this morning, I will feel Beth's presence. I am so delighted I have reconnected with her. I carry her with me in my heart as I bring the healing and comfort she brought to me to others feeling her Divine energy - the Divine energy that we each have inside of us - course through me.

Our Greatest Teacher - from Seasons of the Soul

It's easy to attach to pain
the angst, the anger, the suffering
contracting
shrinking
squeezing Spirit into smaller and smaller spaces
losing sight of light
embodying the pain
nerves frayed
teeth on edge chattering with fear
descending deeper and deeper into the abyss
unaware
unawake
unalive
Spirit searching seeking
a moth to a flame
a healer appears seemingly out of thin air
a spark of love to illuminate
to heal
but first to learn

Pain – our greatest teacher...

Accepting the sorrow
releasing the shame
courage and strength to unflinchingly face death
emerging from the shadows
observe
allow the pain to be
This too shall pass washing through with each breath....

With each blow the heart breaks open like a pinata
the soul's treasures found
compassion
forgiveness
overflow
naked and vulnerable fully clothed in Divine Love
appreciation and a grateful heart
sweet rewards in this delicious delightful life
peace joy and freedom
when the test is finally past.

Through the Lens of Grace - It's Gonna Turn Out Fine

...only rainbows after rain...it's hard to remember sometimes...it's gonna turn out fine

"The grace of God is coming down all the time, like rain, but we forget to cup our hands." - from "Learning to Breathe:My Yearlong Quest to Bring Calm To My Life"

During a morning meditation I was reflecting on my life. On 11/6th, I will be the guest on Bernie Siegel's radio show, Mind Health Matters. I looked back on how I came to know Bernie and his work. What came to light is how blessed I am to be able to experience everything that has happened to me through the lens of grace. It wasn't always easy to have this perspective and know and trust that everything was gonna turn out fine but there is really no other way to live. When we live in the present moment, everything IS fine.

In 1982 I was hospitalized with a serious staph infection which temporarily left me without the use of my right arm.

The first touch of grace I experienced in this scenario was with an orthopedic surgeon who has been an angel in my life several times over. Dr. Reilly just happened to walk onto the medical floor I was on as I was talking a walk around trying to keep myself together with what was happening to me. He asked me what the xrays were showing. I told him none had been taken. It was like a scene out of Grey's Anatomy. He grabbed my chart, ordered xrays and by the afternoon I was in the OR having an operation to save the use of my right arm.

During my hospitalization my primary nurse, Beth Jordan, brought me a cassette tape - yes a cassette tape of Bernie Siegel

for a tape player.

She brought me trail mix. She told me my life needed healing. We stayed in touch with each other for many years after my hospitalization until she moved to Maine to care for her elderly parents. I carry her with me in my heart feeling her love and the touch of grace she imprinted on my heart. She lived on Lily Pond Lane where water lilies floated serenely on the surface of the pond where we went canoeing together.

After hearing Bernie's talk and reading his book, "Love, Medicine and Miracles"

my husband and I went to hear him and his wife Bobbie speak at Harvard. It was a life changing experience. As so often happens, we lose traction of the practices we need in order to maintain a healthy, balanced life for mind, body and Spirit.

After I was diagnosed with post polio syndrome back in 2006, I reconnected with Bernie. I joined his Forum. I went to hear him speak and he became what he calls, my chosen dad or CD for short. He was an incredible cheerleader of mine during my Boston Marathon experience and somehow I ended up being interviewed on his radio show, Mind Health Matters last May. You can listen to the archive of the show, Life and Poetry.

Yes my life has been very challenging but through every challenge, through every moment of hell, there always was and always will be my ability to choose the perspective of seeing it all through the lens of grace.

The Present - from "Songs of Freedom:Poems From a Healing Odyssey" now available on Amazon

What glasses am I wearing?
Am I seeing through the prism of the past
tainted by others
Detach.

What glasses am I wearing?
I tremble in your presence
feeling Divine Love
afraid to trust its pure intention
Receive.

What glasses am I wearing?
I see the truth
of my own Divinity
a birthright to be happy and free
being as I am truly meant to be
Discern.

What glasses am I wearing?
I see the beauty, the grace
allowing peace in this moment
shaking off all that went before
allowing the butterfly to fly free
Transform.

Embody my Being
offering the gift of myself to the world.


From my heart to yours
With total love and deepest gratitude
Yours in grace,
Mary

MAY ALL BEINGS BE HAPPY AND FREE!