During my pre treatment check in at Sollievo Massage and Bodywork, my therapist asked me how I was doing. I replied with everything's okay because it has to be okay right? He said, "Oh I don't know. Sometimes it's okay to complain." I told him that I have my fair share of a pity party. "Sometimes PPS sucks," I told him. "When did you come to that conclusion?" he asked. "Yesterday." I went on to share how my Spirit feels so frustrated. There's so much more I want to do but I am limited by my physical form that gets fatigued. I need so much time to rest and recover.I was quick to point out that I am so grateful for everything I AM able to do and the abundance and blessings in my life and that's the duality of life's experiences. And yet, it was crucial that I said out loud that PPS sucks and that my Spirit felt frustrated.
I set my intention for the treatment - continued healing, peace, equanimity and, as I brought my hands together in prayer to my third eye, patience.
As he approached the table and had barely begun the work through the blanket, I felt this heat fill my trunk and I had this insight, "Oh my God. It doesn't have to always be this way."
Since increasing my mileage to a 10K distance once a week, I needed to ask for more help with chores. Even though my husband did the chores with an open heart telling me he wanted me to have enough energy to do the things that I enjoy doing, I was sad, frustrated and felt trapped inside my body. Sure I could run and was doing great at building endurance and speed but I couldn't figure out how to get a handle on managing the chores.
Through the treatment, I realized that there are energy breaches in my body from polio, violence and surgeries. I felt a shift in last Thursday's treatment. Hope surged through me and I could experience where energy had been blocked and there were moments when the energy began to flow.
At Walden Pond on Friday, I had a eureka moment during my meditation. I am an endurance runner. I realized that I had been up since 7 am on Thursday and after my treatment, we went to the Marathon Sports 5 Miler. We didn't get home until after 9 and I didn't get to sleep until 10 yet I felt energized realizing that I had energy available to sustain me throughout the long day.
I know how to train to go the distance. Why don't I apply this to the marathon of my life? And a new mantra for healing came to me:
"I have all the energy I need to do the things I need and want to do."
I add this to my healing mantra from Emile Coue, "Everyday in every way I'm getting better and better."
I know about getting a second wind.
It was a light bulb moment for me. I'd been focusing on the lack of energy and frustration which of course drains energy even more. As my therapist explained: "Yes there are areas where energy freely flows in your body and areas where it does not flow freely; your body draws from the places where energy freely flows and diverts it to where there are blocks thereby creating fatigue in both areas." I said "But it will change" and we both almost said at the same time - But it is changing! I realized that I'm not stuck or victimized by what is. During my meditation, I let go of what was weighing me down emotionally and physically.
I made a list of chores and with Tom's help, we figured out a schedule for getting the chores done to allow for rest and recovery yet allow for me to slowly build endurance in sharing in the chores.
We use the language of training to reframe how I need to manage. I take water stop breaks. We use a relay for putting away groceries and I sit on a chair as Tom passes the groceries to me.
I feel empowered. I have a new focus for my meditation with this new awareness of what is happening in my body. When I first began this journey over 7 years ago now, I would imagine God as my master electrician knowing that my body needed to be rewired. I now have the guidance of a wonderful mind/body therapist who uses massage and the practice of Zero Balancing to help me unleash my healing power to create change in my mind/body. Yet even if nothing more were to change I am okay with everything as it is right now.
It's all about changes in attitude, reframing by using the metaphor of running, and harnessing the power of my new mantra for healing.
"Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" is now available on Amazon.
"Wait, I have one more goal," Mary McManus told her personal trainer in February of 2008 shortly after coming out of her toe up leg brace. "I want to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab Hospital." Mary traded in her polio shoes for running shoes and embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Mary McManus was at the height of her career as a VA social worker when she was told by her team at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital’s International Rehab Center for Polio in December of 2006 that she needed to quit her job if she had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. In “Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility” Mary takes you on her seven year healing odyssey as a survivor of paralytic polio and trauma from her diagnosis, to taking a leap of faith to leave her award winning career at the VA to heal her life and follow her passion as a poet and writer. You’ll experience her trials, tribulations and triumphs as she trains for and crosses the finish line of the 2009 Boston Marathon and discovers the opportunity for healing in the wake of new trauma: the suicide of her nephew in 2011, and the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. This is Mary's journey of coming home to her human form free from the influences of the ghastly ghostly invaders who had invaded her sacred earthly home. Her memoir includes journals and blog posts from her seven year healing odyssey. This is her journey of transformation and her message of healing, hope and possibility.
I donate 50% of royalty payments through on line sales to The One Fund to help Boston Marathon survivors and their families. Copies are also available at Brookline Marathon Sports. $5 of each book sold at Marathon Sports is donated to The One Fund.