#transformationtuesday I'm a Runner

"I learned that the only requirement to be part of this wonderful group was to run. I didn't have to be fast. I didn't have to be great. I just had to run. And that's when running became not just something that I do but something that is a part of who I am." - John "The Penguin" Bingham

From my memoir: Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility available on Amazon

And then I felt a stirring in my second chakra (only then I didn’t know it was my second chakra – I thought it might have been something I ate). I went over to my laptop in the corner of the living room and I wrote this poem:

Running the Race
Early summer 1959 my kindergarten year
Everyone around me filled with nervous fear
Despite the Salk vaccine hope polio would disappear
The polio virus crept right up and knocked me in the rear.

Dancing all around the gym feeling free just like a bird
I dropped to the ground just like a stone
and no one said a word.
The pain it was so searing-the diagnosis even worse
"It's polio" the doctor said...he was abrupt and terse.

Called one of the 'lucky ones' I had a 'mild case'
But with the other athletes I could never keep their pace.
Miss Holly physical therapist,
curly hair and a warm, broad smile
It tempered the pain of being apart - to walk I'd take awhile.

I always wore those 'special' shoes
the kids they poked and teased
With no support and much abuse
with childhood I wasn't pleased.
But put nose to the grindstone and learned all that I could
I couldn't kick a ball but my grades were always good.

Years went by and no more thought to polio did I give
I accepted the limp and everything else
and decided my life I would live.
But symptoms of weakness and muscle pain did grow
I kept a stoic face hoping no one else would know.

Life no longer was my own I struggled through each day
Suffered in silence, isolated from friends-
trying to keep depression at bay.
And with the grace of glorious God my world it opened wide
I discovered there was a Post Polio team
and they were on my side.

Using wheelchair to travel, set limits on what I could do,
Resulted in joy to realize I could live life anew.
Celebrated my body- creaks, groans and need for a brace
While in my mind I focused on winning a 10K race.
Sought out paths for healing and my spirit flew free
For the first time in life, I could truly be me.

The chains are gone and possibilities abound
I'm a tree with my roots planted firmly in ground.
I'm now off the sidelines, no need to sit and whine
So much gratitude fills my heart and love and beauty shine.
After all these years I can join the loving human race
I exceed all expectations and now I set the pace.

And so began my journey of healing and transformation as a survivor of paralytic polio and severe trauma as I imagined winning a 10K race!

From my book release party at Marathon Sports Brookline going from outpatient rehab, to taking the leap to leave my award winning career as a VA social worker to being fitted with my first pair of running shoes - ever - at the age of 53:



Sharing what it was like to run Heartbreak Hill for the first time, our Boston Marathon run, leaving running and the running community after my nephew's suicide in 2011 and finding my way home to my life, my health, the running community and the Truth that as physically challenging as it is for me to run, I am a runner!



I donate 50% of royalty payments of the sale of my memoir, "Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" to the One Fund.

On Father's Day

I scroll through my Facebook news feed and I see photos and tributes to fathers.

A father is a person of strength who guides us, helps us feel grounded yet encourages us to follow our dreams; supports us, provides us with a foundation to believe in ourselves, loves us unconditionally and gives us tough love when we need it. My biological father was unable to fulfill this role for me. While he helped me to recover during the acute phase of paralytic polio and made sure I had access to the best possible medical care, three years later and for 9 years, I bore the brunt of his alcoholic rages and projections from his psychotic thoughts. He threatened my life on numerous occasions. But this blog IS a message of healing, hope and possibility.

My strong connection to the Divine Father has guided me since I contracted paralytic polio at age 5 and upheld and strengthened me through the trials and tribulations of my life. I can feel this strength, love, light, compassion, grace and gratitude flow deep within the river of my soul.

I have been blessed with wonderful people who have provided me with all I need on my journey.

I thought it fitting to share the video we just uploaded from my Book Release Party on 5/23. You can read about the evening in my post, "Everything I Imagined and More."



This is the first Father's Day that I can feel joy for those who were able to experience wonderful relationships with their fathers and grandfathers and who feel a sense of continuity and tradition in their lives. Mine was a different path to walk.

I can celebrate myself this Father's Day. Despite having a father who was unable to provide for me, I celebrate the woman I have become drawing from the strength of the Divine Father and so many who have blessed my life with support, encouragement, guidance, healing, love, laughter and the gift of running.

May you find peace in your heart, strength in your soul and joy and light in your life however you choose to celebrate Father's Day.


My memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" is now available on Amazon.

"Wait, I have one more goal," Mary McManus told her personal trainer in February of 2008 shortly after coming out of her toe up leg brace. "I want to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab Hospital." Mary traded in her polio shoes for running shoes and embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Mary McManus was at the height of her career as a VA social worker when she was told by her team at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital’s International Rehab Center for Polio in December of 2006 that she needed to quit her job if she had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. In “Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility” Mary takes you on her seven year healing odyssey as a survivor of paralytic polio and trauma from her diagnosis, to taking a leap of faith to leave her award winning career at the VA to heal her life and follow her passion as a poet and writer. You’ll experience her trials, tribulations and triumphs as she trains for and crosses the finish line of the 2009 Boston Marathon and discovers the opportunity for healing in the wake of new trauma: the suicide of her nephew in 2011, and the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. This is Mary's journey of coming home to her human form free from the influences of the ghastly ghostly invaders who had invaded her sacred earthly home. Her memoir includes journals and blog posts from her seven year healing odyssey. This is her journey of transformation and her message of healing, hope and possibility.

I donate 50% of royalty payments through on line sales to The One Fund to help Boston Marathon survivors and their families. Copies are also available at Brookline Marathon Sports. $5 of each book sold at Marathon Sports is donated to The One Fund.

A Rainbow and a Green Light

I have always been a believer in signs. I remember one time I heard someone talking on the radio and realized that I had made a mistake on a Eulogy Poem that I was getting ready to deliver the next day. When we trained for the Boston Marathon, we were sent all kinds of signs; my favorite was a penny at mile 13 that Bernie Siegel told us to look for. He said that it would be a reminder that he and God were watching over us that day. The Universe is always nudging us along with signs to support and uplift us, redirect us or let us know we are on the right path or sending us a message of love and support just when we seem to need it the most. And yesterday, Tom sent me this photo on his way home from work yesterday. He got off the train at Cleveland Circle and there it was:



a rainbow and a green light

A great time to pause and reflect on the Rainbow Connection - the lovers, the dreamers and me....



I am reminded to feel the expansiveness of love, light, possibility and creativity. We all have he green light from the Universe to move confidently in the direction of our dreams.

And all we have to do is look up and look within to find our treasure that we are meant to share with the world!

You can read more about the signs I found on my road to the Boston Marathon along with other Divine interventions in my life in my memoir, Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility now available on Amazon.

Everything I Imagined - And More

"Imagination is everything. It's the preview of life's coming attractions." - Albert Einstein

I set an intention for my Book Release Party; ease, grace and gratitude and that everyone who attended the event would leave feeling inspired not only by me but by each other's stories.

Friday night's book release party for Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility was everything I imagined and more.

Ellen Gabriel, the manager of the Brookline Marathon Sports store had refreshments at the ready. She told me not to worry about doing a thing except setting up what I needed to set up.



Boston Marathon memorabilia. Spaulding Rehabilitation Network singlet I wore on 4/20/2009. My bib signed by Frank Shorter and Bill Rodgers. The newspaper from the 2009 Hyannis Marathon/Half Marathon the first Half Marathon I ran with a brief interview with a reporter. My finisher's medal, finisher's photo, the Spaulding Race for Rehab souvenir book and a letter from Johnny Kelley the elder's nephew when they sent a signed photo of Johnny to us.

I was reunited with my coach Domenick D'Amico and Amy Yok-Ming Wong who I met several years ago during one of Domenick's return to Boston trips. She runs for the Parkinsons Foundation in honor of her mom who died from Parkinson's Disease.



Guests arrived. We socialized and schmoozed. There were introductions and hugs all around. The energy in the room was electric. I met Randy Pierce who recently qualified for Boston who I wrote about in my blog. I introduced him to my Coach and they were talking about the Boston Marathon course.

The love that I felt in cyberspace for friends such as Maureen Lamie, who works as a hair stylist, was even more powerful in person.



Karen DiMare and I met through a Gratitude Challenge on Facebook. She shared with me the frightening health challenge of her husband Chris and we developed an on line friendship. I encouraged her and Chris to advocate for themselves and supported their positive attitude as they went through the uncertainty of his diagnosis. I know that my journey helped to give them strength and hope.

They surprised me with the gift of their presence. Chris had a tumor on his spinal cord. He had to learn how to walk all over again. Karen is the owner of DiMare Holistic Skin Care and I could feel how she blesses her clients with her loving and caring touch.

I met Vicki Vogt by phone when I worked at the VA. She was a loving liaison at the Perkins Talking Book Library. When I met her in person several years ago to record my poetry books for Perkins, she shared with me that she is a polio survivor. We have stayed in touch via email and Facebook. She looked amazing when I saw her. At my suggestion, she went to Spaulding Rehab's International Rehab Center for Polio and said she feels better. I had mentioned that I now go to Spaulding Rehab's Aquatics Therapy program during my presentation. During the book signing, she asked me for more details and plans to follow up with our mutual doctor at Spaulding to see about getting a prescription to go there.

I was humbled and amazed when a group of people from L Street Running Club arrived, including the President Theresa and her husband Steve. There were people who aren't on Facebook and who I did not have email addresses for, but who I had seen as part of #supportcrew on long runs or from meetings. They heard about it through word of mouth and showed up to support me. They hadn't RSVP'ed that they were coming.

And my friends Maura and Meghan with whom we shared water stop duty last winter for L Street arrived with Dennis for whom they were doing the water stop because he was training for Boston.



It was time to begin.... I opened with this selection from the Introduction of my memoir

"I left home at the age of 5 – my earthly home that is. I contracted childhood paralytic polio. Polio was the AIDS of its day. If you contracted polio, you were shunned. There was a fear of contagion. Fear breeds ignorance that is far more devastating that any disease. Three years later my father fell into alcoholism and I was raped and beaten, threatened with death and tortured by my father for 9 years until he ended his life. My maternal grandmother physically, sexually and emotionally abused me with cruel rituals that tortured my body and my mind. My mother was addicted to prescription pain medication. My older brother was numb and trying to survive the chaotic household as best he could. He chose to align himself with the aggressors. I learned early on how to dissociate and to harness the power of my intellect to survive but I paid a steep price for leaving home and disowning my body. I bided my time until it was time to heal."

The room was silent yet the compassion and support for my journey was palpable. (Photo credit: Maura Walsh)




I shared an overview of my journey and read selections that talked about my Boston Marathon journey that all began at the Brookline Marathon Sports store where I was fitted for my first pair of running shoes at the age of 53.



Emotions welled up within me as I recalled the role that Domenick played throughout our training and how the Marathon Sports employees became family to Team McManus.

It was time to sign the books and greet my friends one by one.

Maura Walsh with whom I shared the water stop is a professional photographer. She also captured these special moments for me:


My dear friend John Young came out to support me. He said what a difference we had made when he was finishing his race as I write about in my blog post Today He Was The Hammer. He ran his fastest time for 16 miles in part because he knew we were waiting for him at the base of Heartbreak Hill.



Here's a photo of Amy, John and me. John and Amy connected because they are both running the NYC Marathon. John is going to use NYC for his Boston Qualifier race. Amy had read about John in my blog and are now friends.



After running the Cambridge 5 Miler/3 Mile City Walk, I connected with Jess Lanzoni who runs with Back On My Feet Boston. It was wonderful to meet her in person as we had run part of the way with women from Back On My Feet seeing how they encourage one another to just run to the next pole or stop sign or whatever. Jess is as warm, loving and genuine in person as she is in cyberspace. She told me in a facebook comment after the party that she would also like to buy additional copies of my memoir and asked if I would be donating a portion of the on line sales to The One Fund. I decided that I would donate 50% of the royalty payments which is $2/book to The One Fund to support the ongoing care that those affected by 4/15/13 are going to need.

Al Pappalardo has been a longtime friend. We met through the Merrimack Valley Striders Club. Last November we were reunited at the Feaster Five Expo. I had lost contact with Al and my friends in the running community after my nephew's suicide in 2011 when I stopped running and isolated myself from the running community. Here we are at the Expo:



He greeted me with, "Boy Mary, I had no idea the extent of your history." Al does charity work to prevent Child Abuse. I had sent him all the gift cards I had around the house for his raffle. I told him, "That's why I sent you all those gift cards for your event." I could feel the compassion flow from his heart.

People gave me checks and $20 bills saying keep the change for The One Fund.

We raised $122 for The One Fund from proceeds of book sales and the generosity of my friends.

At the end of the evening, Ellen took this photo of Tom and me:



He told me it was a no brainer when my team at Spaulding told me I had to quit my job if I had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome.

Seven years ago today I closed the door on one chapter of my life. Thirty of my friends came out to support me as I shared my healing odyssey and to celebrate the release of my memoir. My friends who could not be there in person sent me messages and told me they would be with me in Spirit. Were they ever!

The common thread among my friends and my life today is that we all believe in giving back. We take our challenges and create the best life we possibly can with them. While my friends applauded me at the end of my book reading, I applaud them for all that they are doing to make this world a better, more beautiful place in one way or another.

I am blessed and my heart overflows with gratitude especially to Ellen and to Marathon Sports.

In my mind's eye I visualized myself running, feeling free, whole and healthy as my pen became my Divining rod for healing as I wrote poetry after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome. It's been an incredible journey filled with ups, downs and everything in between but I am here now ready to write the next chapters of my journey.

My book release party and my life today is everything I imagined - and more.

You can order Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility, along with my books of inspirational poetry on Amazon.

Coming Home

This post is lovingly dedicated to our veterans in honor of Memorial Day weekend.

I said that the day I could no longer give 100% to my veterans and their families, was the day that I would leave the VA regardless of whether or not I was eligible for retirement. That day came for me on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, 5/25/2007 just 3 years shy of when I was eligible to retire with full benefits.

For 19 years, I dedicated myself to serve those who served. I was passionate about ensuring they received the benefits to which they were entitled and helped them to navigate the often turbulent waters of the VA Healthcare System. I was an advocate, a counselor, a trusted confidante and had no qualms about giving them tough love when appropriate. They deserved everything I could offer in my role as a social worker at the Boston VA Outpatient Clinic.

The compassion I lavishly offered to them, was the compassion I could not yet offer myself. The healing I brought into their lives was the healing path that I would need to walk after leaving the VA.

I worked at the VA as an intern in 1983-1984 and returned to work there in December of 1988. As a society and as a healthcare system, we were all trying to figure out how to help our Vietnam Veterans come home. The particular methods of warfare used and the sociopolitical climate they returned home to was a perfect storm to complicate the care and management of the emotional and physical injuries of the war.

From my memoir: Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility

I left home at the age of 5 – my earthly home that is. I contracted childhood paralytic polio. Polio was the AIDS of its day. If you contracted polio, you were shunned. There was a fear of contagion. Fear breeds ignorance that is far more devastating that any disease. Three years later my father fell into alcoholism and I was raped and beaten, threatened with death and tortured by my father for 9 years until he ended his life. My maternal grandmother physically, sexually and emotionally abused me with cruel rituals that tortured my body and my mind. My mother was addicted to prescription pain medication. My older brother was numb and trying to survive the chaotic household as best he could. He chose to align himself with the aggressors. I learned early on how to dissociate and to harness the power of my intellect to survive but I paid a steep price for leaving home and disowning my body. I bided my time until it was time to heal.

My veterans shared with me their struggles to come home; to be able to feel at home in their bodies, in their lives and to come home to live fully in the present moment. They felt a constant tug to the past and to their own inner storms of powerful emotions. I was able to be fully present with them unafraid of the stories they needed to share and the pain they needed to heal. I too had been through a kind of war.

During these past 7 years, I have had my own healing journey of finding my way home from the injuries of a childhood fraught with violence and healing the emotional and physical injury of paralytic polio. I know how incredibly fortunate I am to have found the time and the resources to find my way home. I have been blessed by the unconditional love and support of my husband and the running community. It hasn't been easy and it's not always been pretty, but I am here now living a full, vibrant life with passion and purpose to share my message of healing, hope and possibility.

While I am no longer physically present to care for our veterans, they are in my heart and my prayers. I pray that they are able to find the strength and the will to heal. I pray for their caregivers and for those who are caring for veterans in the VA System. I pray that we as a society are able to support our veterans from every era. They need ongoing care and love no matter when or where they served. We need not wait for Memorial Day or Veterans Day to honor those who served. Let's help them know that every day they are coming home to hearts that embrace them and are grateful for their service. I am deeply grateful and humbled by the trust they placed in me to bare and share their emotional and physical wounds of war. I am blessed to maintain contact with a few of them who have found their way home and are thriving in their lives.

We taught each other well about the importance of coming home!

#Transformation Tuesday

May 25th will mark 7 years since I left my award winning career as a VA social worker to "heal my life" and "follow my passion as a poet and writer."

I didn't really know what I was saying at the time. I put out an intention.

From my memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility":

I didn’t know what needed healing or how that healing would happen. I only knew that I needed time and space away from the stress of getting up at 5:30 every morning, commuting into Boston, taking care of veterans and their families as well as the people on my team, and my own family members. I hold myself responsible for my inability to set limits. I feel tremendous compassion for myself that I was like a hamster in a wheel and had no idea how to get off of it within the VA system. I know many of my colleagues resented me for how much work I did do. I was held up as the standard for social workers when it came to ‘my numbers’ and documentation. There is the middle way of being able to find balance and self care while providing outstanding care to veterans and their families but I was damned if I knew how to get there at that time.

I smile as I ponder how many reinventions I have experienced these past 7 years that were a part of my journey but no longer a part of my life now:
New World Greeting Cards - original poetry for every occasion - It's More Than a Card, It's a Gift From the Heart
Rotarian and the End Polio Now Campaign
Yoga Teacher Training, becoming a certified yoga teacher and even volunteering as a yoga teacher
Brookline Small Business Owners Association
Taking on a few geriatric clients for case management
Poetry readings at assisted living facilities and nursing homes
Helping to launch and market a few small businesses

But what is Truth and true for me always remains and I cherish
Running the 2009 Boston Marathon
Being a part of the running community as a runner, spectator and support crew
My gift of poetry and still creating original poems for friends' birthdays
Writing my next poetry book "Journey Well"
Blogging and social media
Writing my memoir and working on the sequel Coming Home: The Journey of Acceptance
Continuing to find my strength at Spaulding Rehab through their Aquatics Therapy Program and tending to my healing mind, body and Spirit.

I have been fierce about changing course when I realized something was not the right healing modality for me or an activity did not nourish my Spirit. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I recently pruned and weeded in my garden and in my life experiencing a wonderful blossoming of connections of like hearted people coming into my life.

And this is what I cherish most of all about having had the courage to take a leap of faith, leave my full time job at the VA and exploring, experimenting and finding my way on this long and winding road: the people I've met on this journey who chose a path of transformation and inspire others sending a message of what is possible when we set our hearts and minds on a goal and take action!

Here a few of my favs. Please take some time to check them out:

Randy Pierce 2020 Vision Quest
Rachel Weeks and The Imperfect Journey
John Young
Christa Avampato

For the first time in 7 years, I feel a sense of contentment. My soul no longer feels restless. I feel blessed by where I am in my life no longer striving or seeking. I feel transformed from a woman burdened by the ravages that paralytic polio and trauma took on me mind, body and spirit to a woman who feels whole and healing, strengthened by the challenges, feeling joy that I am here now.

It's More Than a Book Release Party

On 5/23 from 7:00-9:00pm, Marathon Sports Brookline store closes the door to its customers for the evening and welcomes me and my guests for the official release of "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility."



I feel so blessed and grateful that Ellen Gabriel, manager of the Brookline store offered to host the release party. She said it seemed only fitting since my road to the Boston Marathon began at Marathon Sports where I was fitted for my first pair of running shoes - ever! Ellen was an important part of our Saturday training runs as the manager of the Wellesley store. We stopped there for a pit stop and refueling. She welcomed us, checked in with us and asked if there was anything we needed to ensure the safety and success of our long runs. The kindness and generosity she showed us lives on in my heart.

Marathon Sports has been and continues to be an important part of my healing odyssey. They have offered support and advice as there have been shifts and changes in what I need for footwear. They have supported me when I needed to take time off from running and embraced and celebrated with me when I returned to the roads most recently last May after a two year running hiatus.

When I first showed up at Marathon Sports Brookline wearing sweat pants, a t shirt and my daughter's old running shoes, I cannot imagine what they thought but they saw beyond the person standing before them. They saw a runner who had made the commitment to run the 2009 Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab.

When I look at the RSVP's for the Book Release Party, I realize that the event is more than a book release party. There are people coming together from different chapters of my life; from when I worked at the VA to people I have met in the past year during my return to the roads. There are those with whom I've been friends since I ran the Boston Marathon.

Domenick D'Amico, my beloved coach and trainer who I met at Spaulding Rehab in October of 2008, just happened to be planning a trip to Boston in May. We were able to coordinate the Book Release Party with his trip to Boston.

From my memoir:

We walked into the conference room at the old Spaulding Rehab Hospital on Nashua Street in Boston for our pre race team meeting. I was overcome with emotion to realize that just two years earlier, I was being seen in the outpatient clinic facing a grim and uncertain future. Here I was walking over the thresh hold and through the doors of the conference room with my husband and daughter by my side to join the 2009 Spaulding Hospital Race for Rehab team.

We introduced ourselves and then were introduced to our beloved coach, Domenick D’Amico who told us his job was to get us to the starting line healthy and to the finish line with a smile. I was terrified, excited, determined and feeling fierce and feisty that I, Mary McManus, a polio survivor was going to run the 2009 Boston Marathon.

I can imagine and feel the energy in the room with the people who have already RSVP'ed for the event. While we are celebrating the release of my memoir, we are also celebrating the message of healing, hope and possibility. Each person who has RSVP'ed so far has their own story. I envision a mingling of stories, the work that people do and running stories - lots of running stories for sure! There are people who have messaged and emailed me letting me know they sadly are unable to attend but will be there in Spirit!

There will be wine and soda, crackers, cheese and fruit all supplied by Marathon Sports. I will be donating $5 of every book sold that night to the One Fund to continue to support the healing of those injured at the Boston Marathon last year.

Domenick will speak first. I will be reading a few excerpts from my memoir followed by signing copies of my memoir.

It's going to be an evening I will remember and cherish in my heart and I know that it's going to be a lot more than just a book release party.

Feeling Blessed - Reflections on Gratitude

One of the themes that was present in every Boston Marathon bombings survivors speech that I have heard during this past year is gratitude. Even in the most horrific of circumstances, survivors expressed gratitude for being alive.

I experienced the touch of grace at an early age experiencing a connection to a spiritual force greater than myself after contracting paralytic polio at the age of 5. Growing up in a home rife with violence, alcohol and drug addiction after contracting paralytic polio at age 5, took an incredible toll on me mind, body and Spirit that manifested as post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease 7 1/2 years ago.

At first it was a challenge to feel grace and gratitude in those early days of diagnosis when I faced a grim future and was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. But once I got still poems poured out of me filled with gratitude and visualizing myself as healthy and whole despite all outward physical appearances.

And this past week as we marked the one year anniversary of the tragic events of last year's Boston Marathon, I had the following realization that I added in an Epilogue to my memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing Hope and Possibility"

I realize that trauma does not get out of the body nor is post polio syndrome something that needs to be defined, refuted or overcome. My experiences are a part of the fabric of my life and of my form but they need not define me nor rule my life. I no longer have to suffer or struggle but can find peace and equanimity honoring all that went before. I live with a neuromuscular condition and have no idea what the future may hold for me.

I feel blessed and grateful for Aquatics Therapy at Spaulding Rehab. Last night I did a record four laps nonstop using a kickboard. I worked on balance, core strength and had an intense cardio workout. I celebrated and felt overwhelming gratitude for my strength. I know this is a lifelong journey. I am blessed and grateful to have access to phenomenal therapists at Spaulding, a wonderful massage therapist at Sollievo Massage and Bodywork and modalities that support wellness and healing mind, body and Spirit.

So I could easily say that life kinda dealt me a crummy hand when in fact I play it is as if it is a royal flush. What transforms a victim into a survivor is gratitude!

Is the glass half full or half empty? I'm just so blessed and grateful that I have a glass!

My 2009 Boston Marathon Run: Domenick D'Amico

As I begin to plan my book launching party for "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" later this Spring



with Marathon Sports Brookline store manager, Ellen Gabriel, we decided it would be wonderful to plan it to coincide with the visit of my beloved coach and trainer, Domenick D'Amico. He made a promise at our first meeting of Spaulding Rehab's Race for Rehab team that he would get us to the starting line healthy and to the finish line with a smile.

He was true to his word.

Domenick planned out our long training runs complete with pit stops and water stops. He called the Wellesley Marathon Sports store to let them know we would be stopping there on our long run and to provide us with anything we needed. He was my champion letting me know that I would be able to finish the Boston Marathon.

Here he is sending us off on our last training run from the Marathon Sports Brookline store before Marathon Monday:



The Race for Rehab Team in Hopkinton:



and here I am at the finish line - smiling through tears of unbridled joy:



There is one story that I did not include in my memoir that I did share in my blog post, Getting a Head Start. We were at a fund raiser for Alison Eno-Ballbach who was the manager of Marathon Sports Brookline in 2009 and a champion of Team McManus. I call her my mother hen on the road to the Boston Marathon. I shared with Domenick that I was feeling really anxious about being able to finish before the finish line closed. He asked me, "Aren't you getting an early start?" I told him that we had thought about it but then thought that I did not meet the requirements of being a mobility impaired runner. He told me I did. The next day he called his contact at the BAA and told me that all I needed was a letter from my post polio doc to submit to the BAA to get an early start with the mobility impaired runners.

What relief I felt knowing that I would not have to wait for 2 1/2 hours in Hopkinton and that I would be able to enjoy my marathon day knowing I would make it to the finish line before it closed.

And on Marathon Monday he waited for us on Heartbreak Hill. As I said in my Acknowledgements:

Domenick D’Amico, beloved coach and trainer with the Race for Rehab Team, you promised to get us to the starting line healthy and to the finish line with a smile. You kept your promise. Thank you for mapping out our training runs every week and for standing on Heartbreak Hill waiting for us. The hug you gave me as you said, “Go get your medal” is forever imprinted on my heart.

Domenick was also a part of my Poetry in Motion celebration at Marathon Sports Brookline.

I feel so blessed and incredibly grateful that I will be able to celebrate the release of my memoir with Domenick by my side. Even though he lives in Colorado, his Spirit lives on in Boston. I often overhear conversations in Marathon Sports of people reminiscing about the Run Club when Domenick was in Boston. He was back in Boston for the 2010 Boston Marathon. We met on Heartbreak Hill that year. He told me that he struck up a conversation with a woman who told him she could never run a marathon. He told her my story beaming as he recalled how he got us to the starting line healthy and to the finish line with a smile.

He has been my beloved coach and trainer throughout these 5 years supporting me as I was on and off the roads letting me know that wherever I was was exactly where I needed to be.

In honor of National Poetry Month, I will be featuring poems I wrote on my road to the Boston Marathon which are included in A Celebration of Life.

Marathon Metamorphosis - May 7, 2008
Pounding pavement, feeling strength the journey now begun
training for the race of my life a 26.2 mile run.
Feeling God in every step in every beat of my heart
I undertake this challenge as a new chapter of my life I start.
I ran around in circles carrying baggage by the ton,
destination was survival hardened shell let in no one.
Fear and worry doubts prevailed, adrenaline in my veins
a headless horseman running wild no one to take the reins.
Stopping in my tracks I froze no longer could I move -
clawing, fighting had to cease there was nothing more to prove.
God's grace touched like a magic wand, a softness and a glow
emerging from a troubled past my blood began to flow.
Loving teachers lit the way their love a healing balm -
focusing on who I am now brings a sense of calm.
Stretching every muscle feeling God in every cell
wholeness now a blessing out of prison - no more hell.
The race is still a year away each day my dream I see
mind, body, spirit tuning turning toward the Voice of Thee.
Flexing what had once been stiff to brace against the pain
old habits die and I'm reborn to write a new refrain.

Out of our deepest wounds.....

As I was writing my memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility,"



this quote came to me:

Out of our deepest wounds we find our greatest strength, our most beautiful treasures and the knowledge that love is far greater and more powerful than any experience we endure. ~Mary McManus

After the Boston Marathon bombings, this quote took on even greater meaning for me. As we near the anniversary of 4/15/13, and as we prepare for 4/21/14, I see this Truth being manifested all around me.

Adrianne Haslet-Davis vowed that she would dance again even though she lost her lower left leg in the bombings. And yesterday she did just that at the TED conference in Vancouver. There are many news stories covering the event. My favorite so far has been the Boston Globe's article, Marathon bombing survivor dances onstage at TED talk. And a longer article from TED, A first dance on a next generation bionic limb.

The banners are being unveiled today in Boston. A sure rite of Spring.

Boston's Mayor Walsh had this to say in a press release:

“The Boston Marathon street banners mark the kick-off of a world-class event the City of Boston is so proud to host,” Walsh said in a news release. “This year, we have the opportunity to reflect and draw inspiration from the strength and courage of all those affected by last year’s tragedy — by the heroics of our first responders and caregivers, and by the countless acts of selflessness throughout our community.”

As I have been reading news stories and look at the date on the calendar, I feel such a wide range of intense emotions. I've been crying a lot this morning - healing tears filled with sadness overflowing from a raw heart that has borne witness to the darkest side of humanity beginning when I was 8 years old; and tears of joy and gratitude. Tears of hope and tears that glisten with possibility that, as Hugh Herr said during his TED talk, "I didn’t view my body as broken. I reasoned that a human being can never be broken." It's funny that my working title for my memoir had been Broken Into Wholeness and then I came to realize that I was never broken only wounded and in need of healing.

My heart leaps with joy as I anticipate Spring after this long New England winter feeling as though the Polar Vortex would never leave us. Just as we feel that the pain and pangs of grief and trauma will never leave us, Spring always comes again.

And it bears repeating:

Out of our deepest wounds we find our greatest strength, our most beautiful treasures and the knowledge that love is far greater and more powerful than any experience we endure. ~Mary McManus

Ode to Marathon Training-Countdown to Boston

I looked through my blog posts from 2009 as I was counting down the days to running Boston. I can feel the excitement throughout social media land and in real life with my runner friends as everyone counts down to this year's Boston Marathon: 32 days now.

The range of emotions that anyone experiences leading up to Boston is amplified in the wake of last year's bombings. The themes I noticed from five years ago were that I just wanted the day to arrive. I was mindful about really listening to my body because the last thing I wanted was an injury or to get sick. Even before taper time, there was a restlessness I was feeling throughout my body and in my heart.

Here is an excerpt from my 33 Days and Counting: The Waning Days of Training blog:

They say the final stretch of anything can often be the hardest to get through - I can attest to that! On Saturday night we were so incredibly blessed to have a marvelous turn out for our benefit concert. We are so close to our fund raising goal - only $332.80 left and we know people are sending in donations. We are certain that we will exceed our fund raising goal of $9,000. The concert was magical and we are so grateful to everyone who made it a success. As I look back on what we have accomplished in the past year - going from running 30 seconds to running 20 miles; hosting two benefit concerts; running several road races and meeting incredible people along the way I know it is a result of incredible faith, courage, determination and overwhelming love and support from so many sources - the most incredible Source of all being our Loving Creator.

Today, my daughter and I went out and ran 3 times around the reservoir - about a 3 mile run and we ran it in 38 minutes. That's about a 13 minute mile pace. I did not want to run today but once I got out there something happened and I knew we had to give it our all.They say that in the waning days of training, it is a time of great challenge - you just want the starting gun to go off! This is a journey of the mind as well as the body and my mind can take me to magical places as well as the memories of how polio affected my life. I know that I am going to finish what I set out to do - to raise money for Spaulding Rehab and to cross the finish line of the 113th Boston Marathon. Along the way, the fears, doubts and feelings of being a polio survivor have emerged. I am, thanks be to God, able to place these feelings where they belong rather than project them onto the fear of the future or if they begin to creep in, can realize their source.

It was indeed, a very sad day, when I collapsed in the gym and my life was interrupted and changed forever by the polio virus but I learned life's lessons of overcoming challenges at a very early age and discovering that God is with me to guide my footsteps and give me the strength that I need to carry on. And then, in December 2006, my life once again was interrupted - this time by post polio syndrome and life since then has never been the same. It has been phenomenal - overflowing with blessings, triumphs, tribulations, trepdiations, and more growth than I ever dreamed was imaginable in one lifetime.

This time in thirty three days as the sun moves lower in the sky, we will have crossed the finish line of the 113th running of the Boston Marathon and I give thanks to God for this amazing journey.


And five days later, I wrote this poem:

Ode to Marathon Training - March 22, 2009

Blisters, black toes, aches and pains
A change in my routine
Long training runs, the hills, the sprints
Keep running clothes fresh and clean.
Carbo load and plan each meal
Power gels and gatorade
No matter what the weather
No time to be afraid.
Humid – hot or freezing cold
Snow against the face
Wind or sun or raining
Those running shoes I must lace.
What mile is this how long we been out
Check heart rate drink H20
Meltdowns joys and triumphs
Only a few more weeks to go.
Heartbreak Hill won't break my heart
This year has been the best
Found myself and made new friends
I feel incredibly blessed.

As a way to manage my restlessness this year, I am volunteering at the 3/29th water stop for the last long training run of Spaulding's Race for Rehab Team.



It seems like only yesterday we were at 100 days until Boston. It will be here before we know it and as the sun sets on 4/21/14, and the city has run again, we will know, unequivocally that we ARE Boston Strong.

Fiery Determination

I sent out an email blast about the release of my memoir, "Coming Home: A Message of Healing, Hope and Possibility."



After she sent me an email of congratulations, I said to Diana Cullum-Duggan that while I did not mention her per se in my memoir, she was certainly an important part of my healing journey. She offered yoga at no charge pre and post marathon to the members of the 2009 Boston Marathon team. She said:

Didn't expect to be mentioned, Mary. I was a blip on the radar of health for you. You found a team of practitioners that have helped you, along with your fiery determination to heal.

Well Diana was more than a blip on the radar as she gave her time and treasure to support us on our road to the Boston Marathon through yoga and meditation and in post run recovery.

But she said something very important to me in that she acknowledged my fiery determination.

Last week we met with Dr. Chris Carter, the team psychologist for Spaulding's Race for Rehab team to talk about Looking Back and Looking Ahead as we approach the one year anniversary of the Boston Marathon bombings and get ready for the 2014 Boston Marathon.

He and others who were in attendance who worked with the survivors at Spaulding spoke to how inspired they were by the determination, strength and courage of the survivors. Here is a link to a CBS interview with Dr. Carter: Experts think that anniversary of Boston Marathon could come with anxiety for some...

In the article and at last week's meeting, Dr. Carter talked about the importance of community for healing.

When I was growing up, I was completely isolated and ostracized; a combination of growing up in a home rife with chemical dependency and violence and the results of contracting paralytic polio at age 5. I cut myself off from myself, dissociating from my body and from others. By the time I was 52 years old, my body had virtually shut down crying out for healing.

My first sense of community was through Spaulding Rehab's International Rehab Center for Polio being cared for by a multidisciplinary team of caring providers. And then I went on to become a part of the Marathon Sports family and the running community at large as I embraced the challenge of a lifetime, running the 2009 Boston Marathon.

Physically I had no business running a marathon but spiritually and emotionally fueled by the love and support of so many, I felt a fiery determination in my soul and went from polio shoes in February of 2008 to the finish line of the Boston Marathon 2009.

Two years ago, after my nephew's suicide, I experienced a relapse of post polio symptoms. I would not stop and I would not settle. In the wake of the bombings, I returned to the roads after a two year hiatus and continued to seek out paths for healing. How blessed that I could find my way to the Aquatics Therapy program where twice a week, with fiery determination, I continue to build my strength.

I have been so blessed by healing angels throughout my life and especially during my 7 year healing odyssey after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome. I am especially blessed that somewhere, somehow, I kept hope alive through the most horrific events one person can experience and that my fiery determination would not let me quit even though it seemed as though I was doing so against all odds.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: 2009 Marathon Training Moments

With 50 days to go until Boston,



I thought I would share with you a blog post that will be included in my soon to be released memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility":





3/29/09 Blog post:
Boston Marathon Training Moments - The Best Of ....

Yesterday was our last long run before running the Boston Marathon on 4/20/2009. Twenty one miles - we ditched iPods in preparation for the big day. What were we going to talk about? My daughter who always bring light and laughter to life suggested we take a look back - that was the year that was - and talk about our Boston Marathon Training Moments - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I just want to comment on yesterday's training run before we take a look back. The day started out as cloudy and cool. Since it is the end of March, we decided to layer with a short sleeve shirt, a long sleeve shirt and a jacket. I also brought hat and gloves to ensure my comfort. We arrived at Marathon Sports to join our team trainer, Domenick D'Amico and the running club. He told us that 21 miles would take us to the gates at Wellesley College and then we turn around and run the same route we had been running for the past several weeks.

In the spirit of trying to get everything organized the night before, I made my husband's coffee in the coffee maker. Big mistake! He couldn't drink the coffee - yes it was that bad - and by the time we got to Waban, he was power walking. Highly unusual so I got concerned. He said that he was feeling sluggish and that his body was telling him to take it easy. I suggested that perhaps it was because he did not have his morning coffee. So in he went to Starbucks and after drinking a large cup of coffee, he was back to his old self. Ahhh the things you learn on a training run.

The sun broke out and by the time we got to Wellesley it became quite warm so we were stripping off layers of clothing. There were runners coming in from Hopkinton to Boston College who knew me by name. I recognized a few of the runners, but there was a mystery runner who I can't place who was cheering me on, and knew me by name. I wondered if perhaps he was an angel. Because of all of the charity runners, there was water and gatorade available on the course. I used more gel than I had on previous runs which cut down my need for clementines and pretzels (although I plan to bring 2-3 clementines and a bag of pretzels on Marathon Monday) and Tom and Ruth Anne were able to use gu and gatorade so they'll just need to bring a bag of pretzels each - eliminating the need for a backpack on Marathon Monday .When we arrived at the Reservoir at Cleveland Circle, a stiff wind kicked up and we had to don the layers we had shed - a good lesson for Marathon Monday - do not throw our clothing into the street - we may need it for later in the day. We practiced our pacing for fueling and by the time we arrived back at Marathon Sports we knew with complete certainty that Team McManus is ready for Marathon Monday. Today we drove out to Hopkinton and back tracing the Marathon route. We had run from Natick to the finish line and needed to get a visual of the route from Hopkinton to Natick as we mentally prepare for the Marathon.

And so - here is a look back at Team McManus' Boston Marathon Training Moments - the good the bad and the ugly


On calculating distance for training runs:
When we first set out on this journey, we had no idea how far or how long it would take us to run from point A to point B. This resulted in fertile ground for conflict --
Like when we were running a new route by the river on the same day as the Boston Heart Walk - I screamed to my husband who had plotted the route and began to cry 'Where is the f**ing bridge?'He told me that from here on out, it was my job to plot the training runs - ugh - but we all got back on track and plotted out our runs together
Quotable quotes: "We've only been out here for ten minutes?" - Ruth Anne "I don't think we can make it up that hill before we're supposed to stop" - Mary And I was the most obsessive compulsive person you would ever to not want to meet when it came to time and distance.
I would make us track the miles using our trip odometer in the car over and over again - hey what did I know? I had never run or trained for a marathon before.

On meltdowns:

When we first started running more than an hour, somebody would have a meltdown at 1:10 - you could set your watch to it. We would start swearing at each other - my personal favorite? We were going around the Chestnut Hill reservoir and Ruth Anne's iPod had run out of batteries. She was NOT a happy camper and I stood at the top of the hill screaming "F** this - I quit. I cannot take your attitude for another minute." The cars started honking at us and people stopped at the bottom of the hill and looked up and stared at us.

On bodily functions:

Being a first time marathoner at the ages of 55 & 57 (my husband is the elder statesman) makes for some very interesting challenges. Without going into too much graphic detail, I did, on several occasions, feel the need for Depends. When my daughter fell into a snowbank I laughed so hard that I peed myself. She was not hurt and it was one of those falls where her arms and legs were flailing because she could not get up. On our way to our favorite rest stop - Peet's Coffee in Newton Center, I announced out loud that I thought I was going to need Depends on Marathon Monday.

And then there was the time when the velcro on my bra strap just gave way - coincidentally, this was during the training run by the river. As we were about to go into our umpteenth meltdown for the day, I could feel the velcro on my running bra just let go. My daughter who was running behind me started howling to see this white thing come out of my running shirt. And then I laughed so hard, I peed myself. There is my husband down the road a little way yelling at us to quit fooling around and finish our training run....ahhh sweet memories!

And who could EVER forget us losing each other around - emphasize the word a-round Jamaica Pond. Tom had stopped at the car to fill up the water bottles and get some snacks. He had his iPod on really loudly. I was in the zone and ran by him. I saw him looking for me in the opposite direction and yelled to him that I was over here - I felt so great and the weather was wonderful that I did not want to interrupt my rhythm. Finally, my daughter who had been going at her own pace came running up to me - where were you she asked? (well duh, we're going around in a circle) Dad is worried sick about you. He thought that since you had to go to the bathroom (and the bathrooms were not open yet) that you went off the trail and went to pee in the woods). We finally all caught up with one another and laughed so hard.

Those are some of the highlights of 2008-2009 in the life of Team McManus - of course there is the Tufts 10K, the Tough Ten Mile Turkey Trot, The Hyannis Half - and so many wonderful, cherished memories for us. Through it all, we kept our sense of humor; worked it out (as Randy would say on American Idol - dawg - you worked it out) and now we are poised and ready to board the bus for the ride to Hopkinton, MA and to have the time of our lives on April 20, 2009.

Three Years Later - A Time to Celebrate!

On 3/4/2011, which coincidentally is my wedding anniversary, my 26 year old nephew ended his life. I felt a part of me died with him. My father had committed suicide when I was 17 years old. I could not believe that grandfather and grandson would choose to end their lives.

For the past two years, I found myself struggling in my marriage and in my life around the anniversary time. Last year, Tom and I didn't celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary but I did get a new wedding band to symbolically release myself from the energetic connection to my family. My gold wedding band had been handed down to me from my great grandmother. While many experience a beautiful sentimental connection to jewelry handed down to them, mine was rife with conflict and unhappiness. So I tossed it into the ocean - yes an 18 karat gold wedding band - and I could feel my nephew's presence with me. He grabbed the anchor and jumped off of his fishing boat as it was pulling into Rhode Island and drowned.

This past year has been a year of phenomenal healing and transformation. You'll read about it (and my 7 year healing odyssey) in my soon to be released memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility".



Last weekend, Tom and I were finally able to celebrate both his birthday (which happens to be tomorrow 3/2 and marks 37 years since we met) and our anniversary in Hyannis as part of the Hyannis Marathon Weekend. We swam together, ate delicious meals together and I was able to wait for him to cross the finish line. He ran the Half Marathon. We went to the after party for Spaulding at 586 and celebrated runners' firsts, PR's and an unseasonably warm day in Hyannis.

Meeting Dick Beardsley who was able to overcome addiction, was incredibly healing for me. My nephew Charlie could have certainly benefited from the work he is doing through the Dick Beardsley Foundation. Knowing that Dick and his wife Jill are out working there tirelessly to raise money for education and to pay for treatment for those who are trapped in the cycle of chemical dependency brought me healing and comfort.


Last weekend I reconnected with the running community and celebrated my 2009 Boston Marathon run. I was reunited with alumni from Spaulding Rehab's Race for Rehab Team:



Tom and I regaled stories about our first half marathon - in Hyannis - in 2009 at the pre race pasta dinner.

I celebrated my Boston Marathon run with four time Marathon champion Bill Rodgers:



Time heals! The power of community heals! While my heart still aches for the tragedies of my father and nephew and how their suicides tore the fabric of our family apart, I can now celebrate what needs to be celebrated in my life and move forward.

The Making of a Memoir

I knew I was going to write my memoir. And then I didn't -- and then I did again. In October of 2009, Team McManus was a guest on the Jordan Rich Show after running the 2009 Boston Marathon. Appearing with us on the radio was Tori McClure author of A Pearl in the Storm: How I Found My Heart in the Middle of the Ocean. Jordan asked her why she waited so long to write her memoir after she had accomplished the feat of being the first woman to make a solo crossing of the Atlantic Ocean in a rowboat. She said that she needed time to gain perspective and insight into her journey.

It's been over four years since I crossed the finish line of the Boston Marathon. I have traveled many miles since April 20, 2009. As I say in my memoir, every finish line is a starting line.

I had one memoir written with the title, "Why Do Squats Make Me Cry?" It was cathartic for me to write the memoir but it was not the memoir that was meant to be published. For one thing, our hard drive was wiped out and along with it - my memoir.

It's been a labor of love for the past year as I began to piece together the fragments of journals, memories and blogs and the tapestry of my life as I picked up the pieces from my life shattered by paralytic polio and trauma.

Almost a year and 260 pages later, my memoir is in the final edit phase. I have three readers who will offer me feedback but I feel a sense of completion and wholeness with my memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility."

As I took out my red pen and went through the process of making edits, I put myself in my reader's shoes. Is this too graphic? Is this necessary to drive the story? Is this repetitive? Am I getting boring? I read through the eyes of the different people who I hope will read my memoir and made sure that it would have a wide appeal.

I once asked my dad, what is the purpose of life? Why are we here? He said he certainly didn't have the answer but he believed that if we touched the life of at least one person while we are here, then we have not lived in vain. It is my hope that many hearts and lives will be blessed with my message of healing, hope and possibility as expressed in my memoir due out this Spring.

Oh There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays!

It's a wonderful time of year to welcome family and friends into our homes to celebrate the season of love, light and joy. This holiday season is incredibly special for me. Our daughter returns home after completing her bachelor's degree in Tennessee. My husband begins a wonderful new job that is going to allow him to continue attending Spaulding Aquatics Therapy classes with me. It is going to help us spend quality time together in our beautiful home and life that we have built for the past 35 years.

I turn 60 on December 25th.

I have finally come home to my body and to my life.

Here is an excerpt from my memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" that I am feverishly editing to get ready for you:

Introduction

I left home at the age of 5 – my earthly home that is. I contracted childhood paralytic polio. Polio was the AIDS of its day. If you contracted polio, you were shunned. There was a fear of contagion. Fear breeds ignorance that is far more devastating that any disease. Three years later my father fell into alcoholism and I was raped and beaten, threatened with death and tortured by my father for 9 years until he ended his life. My maternal grandmother physically, sexually and emotionally abused me with cruel rituals that tortured my body and my mind. My mother was addicted to prescription pain medication. My older brother was numb and trying to survive the chaotic household as best he could. He chose to align himself with the aggressors. I learned early on how to dissociate and to harness the power of my intellect to survive but I paid a steep price for leaving home and disowning my body. I bided my time until it was time to heal.

The changes were subtle beginning in 1996. I tired easily. I couldn’t walk as far or as well as I once had. During my annual physical I would mention these vague complaints and every year all of my lab tests and EKG were normal. My primary care provider suggested that I needed to do more exercise. In the summer of 2004, the symptoms had gone from subtle to screaming at me to pay attention to my long neglected body. During the Democratic National Convention at the TD Bank Garden, a few blocks from the VA Causeway Street Clinic where I worked, we were temporarily relocated to the Jamaica Plain Campus of the Boston VA Healthcare System for security reasons. Because many of my patients cancelled their appointments rather than making the trip out to the Jamaica Plain Campus, I had more time on my hands than usual during the day. I realized what was happening in my body.

I was having difficulty swallowing and breathing. It was a struggle for me to get out of bed each morning but I knew I needed to soldier on for the sake of my patients, for my sake and the sake of our family or so I thought at the time. I experienced numbness and tingling on my face and down my right arm. My body ached and my muscles burned. I felt a constant lump in my throat. I felt a sense of impending doom but then I would go on to see my next patient. It was as though I was leading a double life harboring and hiding these symptoms while trying to maintain my functioning as a social worker, mother and wife. I was an expert at leading a double life since I was 8 years old. I decided it was time to let my doctor know what was happening to me.

Seven years ago - it seems like a lifetime since I sat in the outpatient clinic at Spaulding Rehab's International Center for Polio and Post Polio Syndrome and in many ways it was...

And this holiday season I am so blessed and grateful that I have found my way home.

Learning to Dance from A Celebration of Life now available on Amazon

It’s never too late
you’re never too old
to learn to dance
paralyzed from polio
paralyzed with fear
frozen in time

awkward and unsure
shame and confusion
embarrassment
I fell into the trap of ego
my leg snared in the jaws of agony and defeat

saved by grace
my rescuer nursed my wounds
tentative steps
stiff and clumsy
painstaking movement
fueled by thoughts of days gone by
the match is lit
no match for darkness
the music of my heart’s desire
moved me to try once again
step by step
the dance of my life
the way I was always meant to dance

yes wrinkles mark the passage of time
yet
I burn brightly

until my dance is done.

On Grief, Joy and Gratitude

Tom and I sat in the sun streamed cafeteria at Spaulding Rehab's new facility in Charlestown this morning waiting for our Aquatics Therapy class that focuses on Joint Integrity. A woman sporting a Spaulding badge and a warm smile said, "Good morning" and walked by us. She was wearing a navy blue skirt with a zipper in the back.

I turned to Tom and said, "That's the same skirt I wore when I worked at the VA," and I got choked up and cried. Tom was wonderful and said, "You still miss it, huh?"

I nodded as tears streamed down my face. I was somewhat taken aback by my reaction.

I had a rush of awareness and clarity of what happened to me and what I have experienced during my seven year healing odyssey.

On October 6, 2006, I had an EMG to determine if there was damage from the polio virus in my upper body which would guide the team at Spaulding Rehab's International Center for Polio and Post Polio in my rehab program. I had an appointment for mid-October at the clinic after having found my courage to pick up the phone and call the Center asking for help with a myriad of disabling symptoms that I had presumed and the medical community would concur were related to the polio virus I contracted at the age of 5. That was only the beginning....There was so much more to be understood and healed about what had happened to me.

As I write my memoir, "Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility," I become keenly aware of the pain and losses in the journey. I left my award winning career at the VA Outpatient Clinic. It was more than a job for me. It was a passion of mine to be a fierce advocate for our nation's veterans. I was good at what I did. But there came a time for me to heal the untended wounds of paralytic polio and trauma and to find my way home to myself after giving to so many for so long unaware of how I needed to care for myself, mind, body and Spirit. Now that I am feeling healthy and whole, I can experience the grief of having to leave my career knowing that everything happened as only it could.

But side by side with the sense of grief and sadness, I am also deeply aware and grateful for the healing that I have and continue to experience in my life.

After the Boston Marathon Bombings, Tom and I took a tour of the new Spaulding Rehab Facility. We saw the new Aquatics Therapy Center and were told about outpatient community classes that would be starting up soon. I had a feeling that this was going to be exactly what I needed in this next phase of my healing journey to complement running and bodywork sessions.

This morning we had a very small class. I mentioned to Abbey Turner who was teaching the class for our regular teacher Karis, that my left hamstring and IT band were feeling tight. She said that she would definitely work in some good stretches and exercises to work out the tightness into the class. I still cannot believe that the class is only $10/class and I receive the benefits of aquatic therapy in a 90 degree heated pool with a trained physical therapist to assist me in continuing to heal and move forward from the ravages of paralytic polio and trauma.

This morning Abbey got in the pool with us to have a closer look at the way we were doing our exercises as well as to demonstrate the exercises in the water. There was one challenging exercise for a full body stretch in which we moved opposite hand and opposite leg. I told myself to not think about it and just move. Abbey is so supportive and encouraging. If anything is too challenging, she modifies it so that everyone can experience success in finding their strength at their own level.

Abbey had music on in the background from Pandora which got me pumped when we were doing upper body strengthening with the dumb bells. I said to her and she agreed that it is a lot more pleasant to do this strength training in the pool than with the machines they had at the old hospital on Nashua Street. As Abbey led us through our cool down stretches, she offered a new calf stretch that got deep into my calves, especially on my left leg where it is so hard for me to access a calf stretch.

Before class, I was experiencing a fair amount of joint pain in part because of the 1.2 mile hill that Tom and I incorporated into our training last Saturday. And rather then take off Sunday, I decided that since it was raining and couldn't go on a recovery walk, I would try out our recumbent bike. After 10 minutes I realized this was not a good idea.

How amazing to do a 45 minute workout in the warm water to work everything out as Abbey phrased it and I'll be ready to get out there tomorrow morning to continue my training for the Feaster Five on Thanksgiving morning. The tightness and pain are gone! I experience such joy and freedom in movement in the water being able to work in a way that I cannot on land. The water also nourishes me mind, body and soul. The design of the aquatics room gives us a panoramic view of Boston Harbor and the warmth of the sun bathes us absorbing the heat from the glass in the window. The new Spaulding is a LEED Gold facility.

Seven years ago, I walked into Spaulding Rehab's Outpatient Clinic in Framingham for treatment of post polio syndrome. Based on the severity of the symptoms I experienced and the prognosis, I wasn't sure if I'd be around seven years later. I can honestly say that I feel better, more hopeful, happier, more joy and vibrant and healthier than I have ever been in my life. That's a pretty wonderful way to enter my decade of the sixties in just a little over two months!


Learning to Dance from the soon to be released A Celebration of Life. My books of inspirational poetry are available on Amazon

It’s never too late
you’re never too old
to learn to dance
paralyzed from polio
paralyzed with fear
frozen in time

awkward and unsure
shame and confusion
embarrassment
I fell into the trap of ego
my leg snared in the jaws of agony and defeat

saved by grace
my rescuer nursed my wounds
tentative steps
stiff and clumsy
painstaking movement
fueled by thoughts of days gone by
the match is lit
no match for darkness
the music of my heart’s desire
moved me to try once again
step by step
the dance of my life
the way I was always meant to dance

yes wrinkles mark the passage of time
yet
I burn brightly

until my dance is done.