#flashbackfriday My Runner's Scrapbook - "Where you stumble and fall, there lies your treasure."

I was feeling sadness around leaving my running and the running community for almost two years. Truth be told, I did not have a relapse of post polio symptoms. The modality that was supposed to be helping me heal, KMI Structural Integration, instead was creating confusion in my body.There was a lot of emotional and physical damage done through the work that joyfully I am now able to heal. As a trauma survivor, I had a wonderful way of believing something was good for me when in fact it could not have been more wrong for me. While it's true I live with the late effects of having contracted paralytic polio and the effects of trauma, I was at the top of my running game. There was still much more that needed to heal and strengthen but needing to stop running was not because of the progression of post polio syndrome. I was vulnerable after my nephew's suicide in March of 2011 and they preyed on my vulnerability.

Tom reminded me last night about how I cried after one of the first Aquatics Therapy classes at Spaulding Rehab. "This is where I belong," I said with tears streaming down my face. "I never belonged on a yoga mat in that studio. It was just so wrong for me." The people who I followed were master manipulators and convinced me that running was bad for me. Because I wasn't allowing my body to be as it needed to be, I did not have the energy or the desire to run. I remember the moment I stumbled off of my healing path and bought into something that a private yoga teacher said to me. "Are you working with your bodyworker on this structural imbalance?" "I don't have a bodyworker right now I replied. "Well then you are going to see my teacher. He can help you fix this."

As Joseph Campbell says:



Rather than focus on the detour and my sadness, I want to celebrate my running journey and finding my greatest treasure last Sunday with a PR at the Bill Rodgers 5K Run/Walk for Prostate Cancer as I remembered and reclaimed who I am!

Let's begin with my early training run that was chronicled in The Brookline Tab, "Run Don't Walk" was the title of the article. Don't you just love my running threads? It was shortly after this photo that I went to Marathon Sports and bought the proper running attire to go with my first pair of running shoes ever.


My first race ever - The Corrib Pub Run 5K on 6/1/2008. My pace was a 16:44 minute/mile. It was an accomplishment to have run for 40 continuous minutes at that point in my training.


The Marathon Sports 5 Miler July 2008 and finishing last yet feeling like a champion for not quitting despite the heat and having all the polio demons rear their head:


Tufts 10K October 2008, "Running with God" as I wrote about in an article for Cape Healing Arts Magazine. My daughter and I ran our first 10K race together and finished with a time of 1:26:14. A 13:53 minute/mile pace!


And who could ever forget the Tough Ten Mile Turkey Trot in November of 2008. The entry fee was 10 canned goods/person. The timing method was popsicle sticks. The hills were brutal but Team McManus was filled with joy. Oh yes and did I mention it was fareezing cold that day?


My first Half Marathon in Hyannis. How lucky was I to be inspired and encouraged by Bill Rodgers and Frank Shorter.


And then Boston 2009:


I did have to take a time out from running for more physical therapy and treatment of cervical spine disease after the marathon. I could no longer strength train with my personal trainer. But you can't keep a runner down for long and by summer of 2010, I was running again and training for Tufts. I had a friend who had never run a 10K. It was time to give back. We trained together and crossed the finish line of the 2010 Tufts 10K with a time of 1:36:10. We had the best time together and what a joy to help someone cross the finish line of their first 10K.


I was racing a 5K a month and by December of 2010 had my best time ever at the Jingle Bell 5K with a 13:43 minute/mile pace:


My friend and I ran the Hyannis 10K in 2011 and bested our Tufts time finishing with a 14:30 minute/mile pace for a time of 1:30:05. Tom was training for Boston and ran the Half. Here we are with Dick Hoyt.


I ran two more races in 2011 and could feel that I was losing my edge and my joy of running. By September of 2011, I called it quits....

Reunited and it felt so good at the Feaster Five Expo in November of 2013


and out on the course


I trained during that grueling winter through the Polar Vortex and found my strength in Aquatics Therapy.

What a joy to celebrate my race-iversary at the Corrib Pub 5K with Tom and my dear friends the Feeney Sisters


They cheered me onto a strong finish:


I wasn't planning to run any other races until the Tufts 10K, but the Universe had other plans for me with the Bill Rodgers 5K Run/Walk for Prostate Cancer where I was once again inspired and encouraged by four time Boston Marathon champion Bill Rodgers

and went on to run a 5K PR of 46:53 at a pace of 15:06 since my return to the roads


And a post race celebration that will live forever in my heart


But I don't rest on my laurels. With a 5K PR behind me, tomorrow I begin training for Tufts 10K 2014. The time to beat 1:36:10. I'll have my daughter to pace me and will know that my husband and Tom Licciardello will be waiting for me at the finish. I've begun to imagine the magic of the day knowing that there are going to be many more wonderful memories to add to my runner's scrapbook. And as for that stumble into the abyss, well it happens but I found my gold!

And to those who told me that I had to correct my arches, stand this way, move that way; this is the proper alignment. To those who believe that change comes from the outside in and there is something to fix. To those who told me I was out of balance that my thoracic spine did not have enough movement and on and on it went..... To those who humiliated me, mocked me and used me for their own personal gain in the name of helping me. To all of you - this is my response:

“The true runner is a very fortunate person. He has found something in him that is just perfect.” ~George Sheehan




"Wait, I have one more goal," Mary McManus told her personal trainer in February of 2008 shortly after coming out of her toe up leg brace. "I want to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab Hospital." Mary traded in her polio shoes for running shoes and embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Mary McManus was at the height of her career as a VA social worker when she was told by her team at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital’s International Rehab Center for Polio in December of 2006 that she needed to quit her job if she had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. In “Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility” Mary takes you on her seven year healing odyssey as a survivor of paralytic polio and trauma from her diagnosis, to taking a leap of faith to leave her award winning career at the VA to heal her life and follow her passion as a poet and writer. You’ll experience her trials, tribulations and triumphs as she trains for and crosses the finish line of the 2009 Boston Marathon and discovers the opportunity for healing in the wake of new trauma: the suicide of her nephew in 2011, and the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. This is Mary's journey of coming home to her human form free from the influences of the ghastly ghostly invaders who had invaded her sacred earthly home. Her memoir includes journals and blog posts from her seven year healing odyssey. This is her journey of transformation and her message of healing, hope and possibility.

I donate 50% of royalty payments through on line sales to The One Fund to help Boston Marathon survivors and their families. Copies are also available at Brookline Marathon Sports. $5 of each book sold at Marathon Sports is donated to The One Fund.

"Hooray for PR's!" I loved what this body could do!

I ran not only for me though --

I remember when I was one of those who couldn't run.


Alain Ferry, Race Director for the Bill Rodgers 5K Run/Walk for Prostate Cancer asked me what my times had been and what I had set as my PR for Sunday's race. He paused when I said I'd been running about 49 minutes for my 5K runs. Taking off two minutes can be a lofty goal. I told him that, during my training run out on the course, I'd done 47 and change for a 15'24" pace. 47:00 minutes on race day would be the way to go.

I decided to look up my race results which I had not been paying close attention to. I had tossed the idea of going for any PR's since my return to the roads on 5/25/13. I was happy to be out running again and just finishing was enough of an initial goal.

The last race I ran before bidding a temporary farewell to running was:

Brookline Symphony Orchestra 5K September 2011
46:57 15:09 59 01-98 59 F 13 Mary McManus

And here are the results for my first race after coming back to the roads:

Brookline Symphony Orchestra 5K September 2013
47:50 15:26 3 55-64 91 F 85 Mary McManus

I had the best time (not reflected on the time clock) on Thanksgiving Day at the Feaster Five:

Feaster Five 5K November 28, 2013
49:43 16:01 Mary McManus

What a joy to celebrate my Race-iversary at the Corrib Pub Run which was my very first road race ever in June, 2008 when I ran a 51:52 16:44 minute/mile pace

Corrib Pub Run 2014 5K June 1, 2014
48:03.0 15:30/K 406 60 F 22 60-69

It was a hot and sweaty evening and I struggled to make it through the:

Father Bullock 5K 2014 June 8, 2014
0:48:06 MARY MCMANUS F 60 69 CHESTNUT HILL, MA 15:31

And then not only did I PR since my return to the roads but I beat my time by 4 seconds from the last race I ran almost 3 years ago!

Bill Rodgers 5K Run/Walk for Prostate Cancer August 10, 2014
22 46:53 15:06 F60+ 6/7

I loved the feeling of racing and having a goal beyond just finishing a race. I felt alive and present in each moment. I had to be fully present in my body or could have easily tipped the balance and gone over the edge rather than working right up to my edge. I embraced the discomfort to see what my body could do when I left nothing on the roads and trust in my body's ability to heal and recover and be better and stronger than it was before I raced to my PR.

When I turned that corner heading toward the finish line on the Boston College Campus, I turned a corner in my healing journey. I have a new feeling of confidence and strength in my body and in my Being. I have reclaimed my life as my own transcending that detour I took away from running and delving into the healing modality of KMI Structural Integration. I ran hard and loved every moment of the race. To have Phil Lipof, MC from WCVB TV validate my efforts and to be celebrated by Phil, Alain and the beautiful community of runners, walkers and volunteers was the icing on the PR cake.

As my friend Jess Lanzoni said on Facebook, "Hooray for PR's!" I am deeply grateful and I so loved to discover what this body, heart and soul could do when put to the test.

"Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" is now available on Amazon.



"Wait, I have one more goal," Mary McManus told her personal trainer in February of 2008 shortly after coming out of her toe up leg brace. "I want to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab Hospital." Mary traded in her polio shoes for running shoes and embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Mary McManus was at the height of her career as a VA social worker when she was told by her team at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital’s International Rehab Center for Polio in December of 2006 that she needed to quit her job if she had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. In “Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility” Mary takes you on her seven year healing odyssey as a survivor of paralytic polio and trauma from her diagnosis, to taking a leap of faith to leave her award winning career at the VA to heal her life and follow her passion as a poet and writer. You’ll experience her trials, tribulations and triumphs as she trains for and crosses the finish line of the 2009 Boston Marathon and discovers the opportunity for healing in the wake of new trauma: the suicide of her nephew in 2011, and the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. This is Mary's journey of coming home to her human form free from the influences of the ghastly ghostly invaders who had invaded her sacred earthly home. Her memoir includes journals and blog posts from her seven year healing odyssey. This is her journey of transformation and her message of healing, hope and possibility.

I donate 50% of royalty payments through on line sales to The One Fund to help Boston Marathon survivors and their families. Copies are also available at Brookline Marathon Sports. $5 of each book sold at Marathon Sports is donated to The One Fund.

A Debt of Gratitude to Marathon Woman K.V. Switzer "A girl can't run the Boston Marathon" - oh yes she can!

I just finished reading Kathrine Switzer's "Marathon Woman", best known as the woman who created quite a stir at the 1967 Boston Marathon wearing bib number 261. Jock Semple, the race director jumped off of the press truck when he realized there was a woman running in 'his race' and tried to physically push her off the course. He ripped off her bib number on her back. Her boyfriend at the time pushed Jock out of the way and she went on to finish the race in 4 hours and 20 minutes.



The moment she crossed the finish line, she knew her life had been changed forever. The experience ignited the fire in her soul. She was only 19 years old and still in college yet she was aware on some level of what she was being called to do.

Today we don't think much about being able to compete in all female races or that there is a women's marathon event in the Olympics. This year marks the 30th year of the inaugural women's marathon event in the Olympics won by New England's very own Joan Benoit Samuelson. It was the tireless efforts of Kathrine Switzer that gives women this opportunity. But for Kathrine, her mission goes beyond women having the right to compete in races. For Kathrine, her mission and passion is all about bringing the transformational power of running to women worldwide. She calls running "The Secret Weapon." She didn't want to keep the secret weapon she discovered while running a mile around her back yard a secret. Here she is describing the life changing moment when her military father responds to her telling him she wanted to be a cheerleader:



Kathrine highlights the culture of what it was like to grow up female in the 1960's. While the women in my family took the cultural stereotypes to the extreme, I realized that their values and myths of what it meant to be female was being reinforced by the sociocultural norms of the time.



Kathrine used her marketing and PR strategies to both work within the framework of the cultural norms to make inroads in the female and societal psyche about women's abilities and to blaze trails through her uncanny ability to build collaborative relationships in the midst of conflict.

Kathrine believes that women have incredible potential if they have the opportunity and belief. Through organizing races on a global scale, she changed women's lives. There is power in crossing a finish line and getting a medal around your neck. You do something you never thought you'd be able to do. For me as a survivor of paralytic polio, and childhood domestic violence and having been diagnosed with post polio syndrome, every training run and every race is a victory for me. Every step empowers me and takes me into the present moment leaving behind all that went before.

Kathrine blazed the trail for all of us to experience the transformational power of running.

My breath catches for a moment when I realize that were it not for Kathrine's courage, passion, ability for community organization and activism on a global scale (often sacrificing her health and her personal life for the cause), that the Boston Marathon would not have been a part of my journey. Nor would I be training for the Tufts 10K in October.

To K.V. Switzer, Marathon Woman and so much more, I owe a debt of gratitude.


"Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" is now available on Amazon.

"Wait, I have one more goal," Mary McManus told her personal trainer in February of 2008 shortly after coming out of her toe up leg brace. "I want to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab Hospital." Mary traded in her polio shoes for running shoes and embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Mary McManus was at the height of her career as a VA social worker when she was told by her team at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital’s International Rehab Center for Polio in December of 2006 that she needed to quit her job if she had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. In “Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility” Mary takes you on her seven year healing odyssey as a survivor of paralytic polio and trauma from her diagnosis, to taking a leap of faith to leave her award winning career at the VA to heal her life and follow her passion as a poet and writer. You’ll experience her trials, tribulations and triumphs as she trains for and crosses the finish line of the 2009 Boston Marathon and discovers the opportunity for healing in the wake of new trauma: the suicide of her nephew in 2011, and the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. This is Mary's journey of coming home to her human form free from the influences of the ghastly ghostly invaders who had invaded her sacred earthly home. Her memoir includes journals and blog posts from her seven year healing odyssey. This is her journey of transformation and her message of healing, hope and possibility.

I donate 50% of royalty payments through on line sales to The One Fund to help Boston Marathon survivors and their families. Copies are also available at Brookline Marathon Sports. $5 of each book sold at Marathon Sports is donated to The One Fund.

What Do You Believe?

It's a miracle that I did not become bitter and filled with hatred after my experiences with paralytic polio followed by 9 years of unrelenting violence at the hands of family members. I chose to go into the field of social work where I could shower love, compassion and kindness onto others even though at the time I had not yet mastered the art of showering myself with love, compassion and kindness. I was a fierce advocate for our nation's veterans. Some would confuse my sweetness, kindness and optimism with being foolish or weak.

Yet I possess a strength of Spirit that is fueled by my belief in healing, hope and possibility even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

My trusting nature would take me to places and people that were not always the best choice for me. File that under soul lessons learned and a reminder to do due diligence.

But my belief in the goodness in people and goodness in the world has brought me to some of the most beautiful people and healers in this world.

I love this quote from Helen Keller:



I had very little training in being soft and tender, kind and compassionate and in being hopeful. But then again when I first started out I had no training in how to run and went on to run the 2009 Boston Marathon.

While life can and does break our heart at times, I put my training efforts in being soft and tender-hearted. It doesn't matter to me whether the glass is half full or half empty; I cultivate an attitude of gratitude that I have the glass. I'm so happy that I can allow the sweetness and generosity in my soul to be, tempered by the wisdom I now have of choosing who I allow into my heart and my life.

And although others may disagree with me, I still believe this world is a beautiful place to be.

What do you believe?

"Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" is now available on Amazon.

"Wait, I have one more goal," Mary McManus told her personal trainer in February of 2008 shortly after coming out of her toe up leg brace. "I want to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab Hospital." Mary traded in her polio shoes for running shoes and embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Mary McManus was at the height of her career as a VA social worker when she was told by her team at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital’s International Rehab Center for Polio in December of 2006 that she needed to quit her job if she had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. In “Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility” Mary takes you on her seven year healing odyssey as a survivor of paralytic polio and trauma from her diagnosis, to taking a leap of faith to leave her award winning career at the VA to heal her life and follow her passion as a poet and writer. You’ll experience her trials, tribulations and triumphs as she trains for and crosses the finish line of the 2009 Boston Marathon and discovers the opportunity for healing in the wake of new trauma: the suicide of her nephew in 2011, and the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. This is Mary's journey of coming home to her human form free from the influences of the ghastly ghostly invaders who had invaded her sacred earthly home. Her memoir includes journals and blog posts from her seven year healing odyssey. This is her journey of transformation and her message of healing, hope and possibility.

I donate 50% of royalty payments through on line sales to The One Fund to help Boston Marathon survivors and their families. Copies are also available at Brookline Marathon Sports. $5 of each book sold at Marathon Sports is donated to The One Fund.

#transformationtuesday Building Strength - I am a Champion!

From my memoir, Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility:

The buzzing hum from the fluorescent lights echoed the buzzing in my nervous system. I sat waiting for my first appointment at the post polio clinic at the IRCP. My complexion was as white as the paper that covered the exam table. I felt as fragile and vulnerable as that piece of paper that gets ripped off and tossed away after the exam. Every inch of my body hurt. I was exhausted. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I hadn’t really cared whether or not I woke up in the morning but I had a husband and twins that needed me. Ironically enough I was at the peak of my career as a VA social worker. I couldn’t sleep. I felt depressed. My award-winning career as a social worker at the Department of Veterans Affairs no longer fueled my soul. Somewhere deep inside of me there was a feeling that there had to be a way out of the hell I was living in.

The symptoms began in 1996. I had episodes of feeling fatigue and muscle burning. I was anxious. At times, I noticed that the limp from paralytic polio returned. In 1992, I had reconstructive leg surgery to correct the deformity of my left leg and to avoid a total knee replacement at the young age of 39 years old. Here I was 7 years later feeling as though my body was beginning to deteriorate and my life falling apart.

How many miles I've traveled on the roads and in my life since my first visit to Spaulding in October of 2006.

For the first time in my healing odyssey I feel that I am in control of my journey. I can choose to be aware and mindful rather than reactive and fearful. I am learning to not attach to any particular outcome or what is happening in my body on any particular day. I abide with the uncertainty and impermanence of it all. For me, that is the meaning of feeling empowered; I have the strength and courage to manage whatever is while doing everything within my power to be as healthy and fit as I possibly can.

Do I experience fear? You bet I do but I am learning how to manage feeling fear rather than being fearful. I no longer fight against or try to overcome or feel a need to fight back against the ghosts of my past. I am learning how to be present and how to enjoy the present.

This morning during Aquatics Therapy at Spaulding Rehab Hospital, I focused on building strength. I thought about how far I'd come since I first walked into Spaulding over 7 years ago. I allowed the magic of the healing therapeutic water combined with the exercises to fuel my belief that I can continue to build strength. The Aquatics Therapy is a perfect complement to my running twice/week. We work to build upper and lower body strength while improving flexibility.

I learned throughout my journey that nothing can be forced. Everything must flow from the inside out. When I tried to strength train on land using traditional methods of strength training without the guidance of a trained therapist, I ended up either injured or more deconditioned than when I began. I know how fortunate I am to have access to Spaulding's Aquatics Therapy program which has made a huge difference in how I feel in my body, mind and Spirit. It's uplifting to be able to do squats and build strength in the warm water. When working on balance, if I fall, I tumble into the pool. It's a judgment free zone where all who attend the classes are there to heal and build strength. We laugh together and honor our challenges.

While there are medals and photos that mark my physical transformation, there is no way to physically capture the essence of my spiritual transformation. I have gone from someone whose life spiraled out of control and not having a clue about what was happening in my body to someone who can now connect the dots and understand, with at times painstaking clarity, what has happened to me. With that awareness comes a sense of strength. I can feel at home in Aquatics Therapy classes and among runners - elite runners and champions. Because I know I am one of them. The result of the one two punch of paralytic polio and violence may have knocked me down for awhile. I was pretty close to a knock out after my nephew's suicide but I never quit. I got back up, took off the gloves and continued on my journey. I am building strength on the roads, in the pool and in my life and I raise my arms in celebration of being the champion of my life.

Foot Strike
Each strike struck a chord of fear
helplessness
terror.

How would I ever reclaim my life?

Holding onto hope
waiting for the day
when memories would no longer weigh heavy
free to run my own race.

Stomping in anger
striking back
shadow boxing with the thief
who stole away childhood innocence
a no win.

Each foot strike ignites my soul
fired up to run my best race
taking the lead
breaking finisher’s tape

today I won my race.


My memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" is now available on Amazon.

"Wait, I have one more goal," Mary McManus told her personal trainer in February of 2008 shortly after coming out of her toe up leg brace. "I want to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab Hospital." Mary traded in her polio shoes for running shoes and embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Mary McManus was at the height of her career as a VA social worker when she was told by her team at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital’s International Rehab Center for Polio in December of 2006 that she needed to quit her job if she had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. In “Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility” Mary takes you on her seven year healing odyssey as a survivor of paralytic polio and trauma from her diagnosis, to taking a leap of faith to leave her award winning career at the VA to heal her life and follow her passion as a poet and writer. You’ll experience her trials, tribulations and triumphs as she trains for and crosses the finish line of the 2009 Boston Marathon and discovers the opportunity for healing in the wake of new trauma: the suicide of her nephew in 2011, and the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. This is Mary's journey of coming home to her human form free from the influences of the ghastly ghostly invaders who had invaded her sacred earthly home. Her memoir includes journals and blog posts from her seven year healing odyssey. This is her journey of transformation and her message of healing, hope and possibility.

I donate 50% of royalty payments through on line sales to The One Fund to help Boston Marathon survivors and their families. Copies are also available at Brookline Marathon Sports. $5 of each book sold at Marathon Sports is donated to The One Fund.

Training for the Tufts 10K

I am over the moon excited that I have worked my way back to the 10K distance. 6.1 miles. I do love going the distance.

It's been four years since I last ran Tufts. Tufts was my first 10K ever in the fall of 2008. In 2009, I was recovering from my Boston Marathon run. I was working with a wonderful physical therapist at the time who told me that if I had any hopes of getting back to running, I had to take a hiatus and allow my body time to recover and heal. We didn't know if I would be able to run again.

As I stood at the finish line of the 2009 Tufts 10K waiting for my daughter to cross the finish line, I heard the announcer say, "And don't let anybody ever tell you you can't do something. All these women crossing the finish line today started strong and are finishing stronger."

That's all it took to light the fire within me to do everything I could to get back on the roads. I began running in the Spring of 2010 and worked my way back to a 10K distance. I still had my base from marathon training.

Here I am before running the 2010 Tufts 10K wearing a Superman dog tag from the Christopher Reeve Foundation that says, "Go Forward."



In March of 2011, my nephew's suicide pulled the rug right out from under me. I experienced a relapse of symptoms and took a detour on my healing path. It took the events of 4/15/13 to awaken me to what was truly important in my life for well being of mind, body and Spirit.

It's been a year of healing, of building strength, of building endurance. Now I am in full on training mode but the beauty is my only goal is to cross that finish line with a smile. I am blessed that I will have my daughter by my side. Me being me, I will work on my speed in my weekly and occasional biweekly 3.1 runs but as I have been saying of late, I am running from the inside out.

The journey of transformation is never easy. It requires hard work. Trust. Patience. Faith.



When we are able to heal and let go of what weighs us down; when we are able to remember our strength and our beauty regardless of what happened to us during the journey; when we are able to find the courage to accept the darkness and abide in the pain, then we are able to fly free once more.

The Chrysalis May 2014

Trembling with excitement
shaking it off
allow yourself to be with a capital B

Being who you were always meant to be
unencumbered

yet time well spent
on tiny legs
grounded to earth’s energy
garnering wisdom along the way

gathering together
possibility

a time of uncertainty
certain
this is the path
abide in darkness
surrender

lose grip on grasping
turning inward
discovering beauty
strength
free now
to
fly


My memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" is now available on Amazon.

"Wait, I have one more goal," Mary McManus told her personal trainer in February of 2008 shortly after coming out of her toe up leg brace. "I want to run the Boston Marathon for Spaulding Rehab Hospital." Mary traded in her polio shoes for running shoes and embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Mary McManus was at the height of her career as a VA social worker when she was told by her team at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital’s International Rehab Center for Polio in December of 2006 that she needed to quit her job if she had any hope of preventing the progression of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. In “Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility” Mary takes you on her seven year healing odyssey as a survivor of paralytic polio and trauma from her diagnosis, to taking a leap of faith to leave her award winning career at the VA to heal her life and follow her passion as a poet and writer. You’ll experience her trials, tribulations and triumphs as she trains for and crosses the finish line of the 2009 Boston Marathon and discovers the opportunity for healing in the wake of new trauma: the suicide of her nephew in 2011, and the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. This is Mary's journey of coming home to her human form free from the influences of the ghastly ghostly invaders who had invaded her sacred earthly home. Her memoir includes journals and blog posts from her seven year healing odyssey. This is her journey of transformation and her message of healing, hope and possibility.

I donate 50% of royalty payments through on line sales to The One Fund to help Boston Marathon survivors and their families. Copies are also available at Brookline Marathon Sports. $5 of each book sold at Marathon Sports is donated to The One Fund.

#transformationtuesday I'm a Runner

"I learned that the only requirement to be part of this wonderful group was to run. I didn't have to be fast. I didn't have to be great. I just had to run. And that's when running became not just something that I do but something that is a part of who I am." - John "The Penguin" Bingham

From my memoir: Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility available on Amazon

And then I felt a stirring in my second chakra (only then I didn’t know it was my second chakra – I thought it might have been something I ate). I went over to my laptop in the corner of the living room and I wrote this poem:

Running the Race
Early summer 1959 my kindergarten year
Everyone around me filled with nervous fear
Despite the Salk vaccine hope polio would disappear
The polio virus crept right up and knocked me in the rear.

Dancing all around the gym feeling free just like a bird
I dropped to the ground just like a stone
and no one said a word.
The pain it was so searing-the diagnosis even worse
"It's polio" the doctor said...he was abrupt and terse.

Called one of the 'lucky ones' I had a 'mild case'
But with the other athletes I could never keep their pace.
Miss Holly physical therapist,
curly hair and a warm, broad smile
It tempered the pain of being apart - to walk I'd take awhile.

I always wore those 'special' shoes
the kids they poked and teased
With no support and much abuse
with childhood I wasn't pleased.
But put nose to the grindstone and learned all that I could
I couldn't kick a ball but my grades were always good.

Years went by and no more thought to polio did I give
I accepted the limp and everything else
and decided my life I would live.
But symptoms of weakness and muscle pain did grow
I kept a stoic face hoping no one else would know.

Life no longer was my own I struggled through each day
Suffered in silence, isolated from friends-
trying to keep depression at bay.
And with the grace of glorious God my world it opened wide
I discovered there was a Post Polio team
and they were on my side.

Using wheelchair to travel, set limits on what I could do,
Resulted in joy to realize I could live life anew.
Celebrated my body- creaks, groans and need for a brace
While in my mind I focused on winning a 10K race.
Sought out paths for healing and my spirit flew free
For the first time in life, I could truly be me.

The chains are gone and possibilities abound
I'm a tree with my roots planted firmly in ground.
I'm now off the sidelines, no need to sit and whine
So much gratitude fills my heart and love and beauty shine.
After all these years I can join the loving human race
I exceed all expectations and now I set the pace.

And so began my journey of healing and transformation as a survivor of paralytic polio and severe trauma as I imagined winning a 10K race!

From my book release party at Marathon Sports Brookline going from outpatient rehab, to taking the leap to leave my award winning career as a VA social worker to being fitted with my first pair of running shoes - ever - at the age of 53:



Sharing what it was like to run Heartbreak Hill for the first time, our Boston Marathon run, leaving running and the running community after my nephew's suicide in 2011 and finding my way home to my life, my health, the running community and the Truth that as physically challenging as it is for me to run, I am a runner!



I donate 50% of royalty payments of the sale of my memoir, "Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility" to the One Fund.

Transformation Tuesday: Christa in New York Sings After Storms

In 2012, Christa in New York, Curating a Creative Life Through Ancient Wisdom and Modern Tech chose to forge her own path leaving behind the "security" of working for an employer. She founded her own company Chasing Down the Muse, "where I create content and products that build a better world and inspire people."

On her About Me page she writes:

The short of it:
Maker, writer, yoga and meditation teacher. Founder of the company Chasing Down the Muse and creator of brands Compass Yoga and One Fine Yogi. Journalist. Voice over artist. Playwright. Equally inspired by ancient wisdom and modern tech. Opener of doors.

The long of it:
My 15-year career has stretched across Capitol Hill, Broadway theatre, education, nonprofit fundraising, health and wellness, and Fortune 500 companies in retail, media, and financial services. In every experience, I have used my sense of and respect for elegant design to develop meaningful products, services, programs, and events that make this world a better place.

In 2012 I founded Chasing Down the Muse, where I create content and products that build a better world and inspire people. My first play, Sing After Storms, will be produced in June 2014 in New York City as part of the Thespis Theater Festival.

A recovering multi-tasker, I am a proud alum of UPenn (BA) and the Darden School at UVA (MBA). When not in front of my Mac, I’m on my yoga mat, walking my rescue dog, Phin, traveling with a purpose, or practicing the high-art of people watching in New York City, a wonderful and turbulent city that I proudly call home.

Last summer, Christa took the summer to explore the possibility of living in LA. While she discovered that the West Coast was not for her and that her heart belongs in the Big Apple, she wrote, "Sing After Storms". Christa gave the play to two trusted friends who Christa knew from her career managing Broadway shows and National Tours. They suggested one more rewrite after the original and encouraged her to submit it to Festivals for production. It is almost unheard of to have a turnaround time of one week to have a play accepted for production but that's exactly what happened!

Christa told me, The premise of the title is based on the famous Rose Kennedy quote "Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" Terrible things befall the family featured in the play (mostly things they bring on themselves), and despite those circumstances there is a spark of redemption at the end, a glimpse into the hope that perhaps they can start over and find some peace and happiness.



It is a gripping exploration of mental health treatment and management by playwright, producer, and director Christa Avampato. From the press release:

SING AFTER STORMS is a modern story of mental illness, family dynamics, and the risks a man will take to keep his life together. Written and directed by Christa Avampato, SING AFTER STORMS is a gripping drama surrounding Dr. Jack Young and his team, recently nominated for the Nobel Prize for the unconventional methods they use to treat patients and remove the stigma around mental illness. As the announcement of the award is made, legal allegations threaten to undermine Jack’s success in every facet of his life. Desperate to hold together his career, marriage, and family, Jack attempts to halt the unraveling of the reputation he has worked so hard to build by taking on one last patient. SING AFTER STORMS follows Dr. Jack Young as his wife, daughter, and colleagues alternately struggle to illuminate and to preserve Jack’s secrets.

Christa has faced many challenges in her own life. Several years ago, she almost lost her life and did lose all of her possessions in an apartment fire. As she wrote in her blog last week,

Whenever I’m having an awful day—and I have had quite a healthy share of them in my life—the only thing that gets me through is this thought: I survived them all. Sometimes just barely (literally). I’ve lost a lot. They left a lot of pain and deep scars in their wake. Some you can see and some you can’t. Some took be down, way down, though none of them kept me down for long.

Out of this place of knowing, of resilience and her own journey of transformation, Christa wrote "Sing After Storms."

A behind the scenes look as cast and crew gather together breathing life into Christa's words at the table read:

Christa welcoming the cast and crew:



Amelia Huckel-Bauer steps into the character of Susan



Mia Fraboni looks on as Pearl



Just look at the fun she's having!



Kate Flynn delves deep into the role of Catherine



Oheri Otobo delves deeper into the case of Jack Young



Brittany McDonald channels the character of Carol



Christa's riveting creation comes to life on the stage of the Cabrini Repertory Theater, 701 Fort Washington Avenue, Manhattan. Wednesday, June 18, 2014 at 8:45pm, Saturday, June 21, 2014 at 9:00pm and Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 9:30pm as part of the 2014 Thespis Theater Festival. You can purchase tickets in advance at the discounted fans and friends price of $10/ticket at EventBrite.

For more about the cast, crew and to stay up to date on the latest happenings, visit Sing After Storms website. Like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.

Be sure to follow Christa's blog. It's better than a cup of coffee to get your day started on the right foot and will keep you up to date on the many wonder filled adventures of Christa in New York.

Christa and her faithful companion Phin

Be.Here.Now.

In yesterday's post, #Transformation Tuesday, I reflected on my 7 year healing odyssey and how my soul no longer feels restless. I feel contentment in my life for the first time since leaving my career as a VA social worker to heal my life.

One of my friends wrote on Facebook, "You are truly an inspiration, Mary. Please share with me how you can make your soul no longer restless. You are blessed - and we are blessed just knowing you."

I was deeply humbled by her words and replied with: "Thank you so much for your kind words. It just sort of happened over time as I became more and more aware of what was true for me and having the courage to make changes in what was comfortable for me even though it was not right for me. Meditation, journaling, returning to the running community, acceptance, practicing what Tara Brach calls "Attend and Befriend," Aquatics Therapy at Spaulding Rehab, and most recently I was blessed to find a wonderful therapist at Sollievo Massage and Bodywork who incorporates Zero Balancing into our 90 minute sessions. Everything is working together for now."

Here are words of wisdom I pulled together for today's post:

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."- Groucho Marx

"Today is today and I'm glad it's today." - Dr. Fritz Frederick Smith, founder of Zero Balancing


I love how Fritz talks about the energy of gladness!



Last year, I was blessed to attend a talk and book signing by Tara Brach. I am savoring all the morsels in her book True Refuge.

This morning I found this wonderful Dharma Talk by Tara in which she talks about Attend and Befriend and the fear body:



"If we can slow down even just for a minute, we can shift from fight/flight to attend and befriend."

And in that "sacred pause" between response and reaction, the soul settles, we take a deep breath and we have the opportunity to Be.Here.Now.

Be Here Now (from the soon to be released poetry collection, "Journey Well")

Be here now and celebrate
no longer the victim
a survivor and thriver
filled with beauty
a life once torn and shattered
now a beautiful tapestry
woven together
no more rough edges
open heart
a voice that sings with strains of poetry
life no longer a strain or struggle
a new refrain
as energy flows
the river of life marks a new path
yet all is fleeting
not meant to be captured
but experienced
moments
shared in awe
wonder and mystery
comfort in this gift of presence
trusting all is well.

#Transformation Tuesday

May 25th will mark 7 years since I left my award winning career as a VA social worker to "heal my life" and "follow my passion as a poet and writer."

I didn't really know what I was saying at the time. I put out an intention.

From my memoir, "Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility":

I didn’t know what needed healing or how that healing would happen. I only knew that I needed time and space away from the stress of getting up at 5:30 every morning, commuting into Boston, taking care of veterans and their families as well as the people on my team, and my own family members. I hold myself responsible for my inability to set limits. I feel tremendous compassion for myself that I was like a hamster in a wheel and had no idea how to get off of it within the VA system. I know many of my colleagues resented me for how much work I did do. I was held up as the standard for social workers when it came to ‘my numbers’ and documentation. There is the middle way of being able to find balance and self care while providing outstanding care to veterans and their families but I was damned if I knew how to get there at that time.

I smile as I ponder how many reinventions I have experienced these past 7 years that were a part of my journey but no longer a part of my life now:
New World Greeting Cards - original poetry for every occasion - It's More Than a Card, It's a Gift From the Heart
Rotarian and the End Polio Now Campaign
Yoga Teacher Training, becoming a certified yoga teacher and even volunteering as a yoga teacher
Brookline Small Business Owners Association
Taking on a few geriatric clients for case management
Poetry readings at assisted living facilities and nursing homes
Helping to launch and market a few small businesses

But what is Truth and true for me always remains and I cherish
Running the 2009 Boston Marathon
Being a part of the running community as a runner, spectator and support crew
My gift of poetry and still creating original poems for friends' birthdays
Writing my next poetry book "Journey Well"
Blogging and social media
Writing my memoir and working on the sequel Coming Home: The Journey of Acceptance
Continuing to find my strength at Spaulding Rehab through their Aquatics Therapy Program and tending to my healing mind, body and Spirit.

I have been fierce about changing course when I realized something was not the right healing modality for me or an activity did not nourish my Spirit. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I recently pruned and weeded in my garden and in my life experiencing a wonderful blossoming of connections of like hearted people coming into my life.

And this is what I cherish most of all about having had the courage to take a leap of faith, leave my full time job at the VA and exploring, experimenting and finding my way on this long and winding road: the people I've met on this journey who chose a path of transformation and inspire others sending a message of what is possible when we set our hearts and minds on a goal and take action!

Here a few of my favs. Please take some time to check them out:

Randy Pierce 2020 Vision Quest
Rachel Weeks and The Imperfect Journey
John Young
Christa Avampato

For the first time in 7 years, I feel a sense of contentment. My soul no longer feels restless. I feel blessed by where I am in my life no longer striving or seeking. I feel transformed from a woman burdened by the ravages that paralytic polio and trauma took on me mind, body and spirit to a woman who feels whole and healing, strengthened by the challenges, feeling joy that I am here now.

Book Review - Priscilla Warner's "Learning to Breathe"

Just about a month ago, Priscilla Warner was the guest on Michele Rosenthal's radio show, Your Life After Trauma. I sent Priscilla a message on facebook letting her know how much I enjoyed the interview and astounded by the similarities in our journey. I told her I just had to read her book. She was kind enough to have her publisher send me a copy and would I be willing to write a review of the book. Would I? You can read my review on Amazon. "Learning to Breathe" is another gift the Universe has presented to me on my trauma recovery journey. Priscilla and I are six months apart in age. "I was teaching myself to breathe at the age of 56," Priscilla writes. How heartening to find a contemporary soul sister. I came to my yoga mat and began learning to breathe shortly after my 57th birthday.

As we enter into Priscilla's world, she writes, "His Holiness, the Dalai Lama believes human beings can change the negative emotions in their brains into positive ones. And who was I to doubt the Dalai Lama? Maybe my journey would resemble something like Siddhartha meets Diary of a Mad Jewish Housewife.....My new mantra would be 'Neurotic, heal thyself and please stop complaining."

When I entered Priscilla's world, a door opened to a banquet hall filled with the most sumptuous spiritual treats ever gathered in one place. I fed myself on the spiritual wisdom Priscilla so generously shares from meditation masters, Buddhist monks, mystics and healers including the Dalai Lama himself as she sets out on a quest to free herself from the crippling panic attacks she experienced for decades.

"When you're ready to learn, your lessons find you in the oddest places," Priscilla writes. How true! Once we open ourselves to the possibility of freedom from pain and suffering, synchronicities, 'coincidences' and wondrous meetings begin to unfold in one's life - like my meeting Priscilla. Sharon Salzburg quoted Krishna Das who quoted someone else, "The grace of God is coming down all the time, like rain, but we forget to cup our hands."

My copy of "Learning to Breathe" is dog eared, underlined and I have taken notes in my yoga teacher training journal. My meditation practice has deepened, becoming more meaningful and healing not only for myself but as my compassionate and loving kindness heart continues to grow extends into the world. In yesterday's blog post, I speak to how the teachings Priscilla garnered from her healing quest blesses my life. You need not transform was the theme of a reading that David read during savasana after a Sunday morning practice. The next day I found myself reading in Priscilla's book:

"I'm on a mission to transform myself from a neurotic Jew to a serene Tibetan monk," I blurted out to the facilitator I'd met earlier outside Mingyur's living quarters.
"Why would you want to do that? he asked, ushering me into an adjacent room. You're not a monk, and you're not Tibetan. Why not just be the best neurotic Jew you can be."

Themes in Priscilla's book paralleled themes in my yoga classes which speaks to the interconnectedness and wonder of it all (no I'm not referring to the Foxwoods commercial). When the student is ready so many teachers appear bringing the soul lessons on a beautiful path lined with cherry blossoms. You'll have to read Priscilla's book to fully embrace the cherry blossoms image.

I laughed. I cried. I experienced awakening and enlightenment. I smiled. My breath caught with the similarities in our journeys. One of my favorite moments although there are so many it's hard to choose is when her questioning of why and how transforms from feelings of abandonment and neglect by her parents to gratitude for the resident who saved her life with an emergency tracheotomy at the age of 16 months old. In that moment she is able to get out of the story she'd been focusing on that brought her so much pain and suffering to a place of gratitude both to the resident and for her own survival.

"I thought about happiness, tears streaming down my cheeks," Priscilla writes as she shares what's happening in a therapy session.

"If I become happy and healthy," I said, "then I will no longer be related to those people that I came from. I won't belong to the family that I gres up in."

As Priscilla weaves the beautiful tapestry of her life together with clarity and acceptance, she is able to let go of the panic which in part she held to benefit her family members. She discovers how to experience compassion and loving kindness without her having to suffer. "Learning to Breathe" is an exquisitely crafted memoir blending the story of Priscilla's family with therapists and sages of modern day thought and trauma recovery. One of the most compelling features of "Learning to Breathe" is how Priscilla brings in the studies that are being done to demonstrate the effects of meditation on the brain. For those of us who believed that the damage from traumatic experiences are permanent and irreversible; for those who believe that the only way to quell panic or anxiety is with medication; for any one who enjoys a great read and a story of courage, warmth, humor, triumph, honesty, clarity, acceptance and embracing life with grace and gusto -- "Learning to Breathe" is for you! It's for everybody, mind and soul. I know that I will keep returning to "Learning to Breathe" as I absorb the wisdom into the very fiber of my being. Priscilla generously includes a bibliography and resource list for continuing the healing journey.

From my heart to yours
With total love and deepest gratitude,
Mary